When Will Music Be Sweet Again?

Music is so painful right now, like everything else, but more, especially. Every song has a story I want to apply to us, to you, to me. How can this yearning for your love be so sharp? When do I get to smile again? When do I get to sing again?

Better yet, forget smiling and singing, when do I get to breathe again?

When?

*Currently listening to Hurricane by MS MR.

Bear Sun, Child Moon

Then I saw love disfigure me into something I am not recognizing...

*Currently listening to Song for Zula by Phosphorescent.

Ending The Funk...

I've come back to you.

Selfish and unapologetic. Because I need you. Because you soothe me.

My little blog. My little stories. Things pretend to change but they remain unmoved.

Everything is the same.

*Currently listening to Say Something by A Great Big World

Hello Again...

Hello, my long abandoned friend.

You were good to me. You were there when I was sad and when I thought my happiness would survive only if he loved me back or at all. You were there as an escape and a confident and in a strange way a guide.

It's been over a year. He and I now live together, he moved in with me almost a year ago. We've been happy. This relationship thing is not as easy as the movies make it seem. When you're dating someone and each person has their own living space, at the end of the date, or the weekend, or the few days together, each person goes home to fart, snore, eat too much, talk too little and do whatever it is that constitutes them as their own person. Once you live together that's all out the window, everything is out in the open and you start getting to know each other all over again... Sometimes what you find isn't what you expected and some moments may frighten  you, others may surprise you in lovely way, the rest of it is just the day-to-day stuff that becomes your new life, and it goes on and on and on...

We're happy. But it hasn't been rainbows and show tunes and sparkles.

I should start from the beginning, or the end of the relationship we had which lead us to now, the present, the ever-evolving continuation of this story.

I stopped seeing him. I hated him and loved him and hated myself and all that stuff that you already know. As the days passed I started feeling peace. I felt energized and happy and sociable and I was me again, not that pathetic, whiny, weak person I had become. And yet he came into my life again and he was persistent and he said he'd made a mistake and he wanted to make things right, he wanted to show me, he wanted this for him and if I wanted it too, which I did, he wanted to show me it could work, and that he'd put in all the work needed to make it, at least as much as one person can, in a relationship made by two.

The beginning was rocky. I didn't trust him and I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing but I did know I loved him, like I love him now and like I've loved him for a very long time. And every day he held on, even when I would question myself, question him, question us. Every day I reminded myself that he was a bonus to the good life and the many fortunes I have.

.
The ride has been sweet but this journey's not over. Sometimes I want to smack him in the head when he leaves the toilet seat up and I'm sure my driving makes him want to punch kittens and there are Thursdays when we don't agree what the plan for the upcoming weekend should be and he likes hot showers and I like them cold and there's so much to synchronize but so much  hope and so many plans it's fascinating.

The best thing yet: I'm okay, more than just okay. I can do anything, be anywhere, everything is really great. He's the bonus and there's so much goodness and I'm so thankful and proud and excited and full.

It's bliss

*Currently listening to Apartment by Young The Giant*

Hello There - It's Been A While

I haven't started a new blog. I haven't been writing.

For a while, I didn't write because I really didn't have anything new to say. It felt like my head, my life, was going around in circles and nothing new would take place. I felt the same things every day: Pain, betrayal, disappointment, discouragement, anger... I was in a bad place.

Eventually things started to shift around and letting go of some emotions and people and habits allowed for better emotions, people and habits to come into my life. The saying is true, you must discard some bad to make room for good.

This new arrangement works better for me.

Then I didn't write because it seems that I write much better when I'm sad... Whoa, looking back and reading this blog I've found there was a lot of sadness going on.

Everything passes. Everything changes. Nothing stays the same forever.

I saw one of my ex-boyfriends on Friday. He was my first boyfriend, when we were young and naive (yes, more naive than I am now), when I wasn't skeptical, when I thought it would last forever. Hugging him was like being home again, but a home from a long time ago. Not home now. He's married now, and he has a child and he's happy, and I felt nothing but happiness for him and it made me feel great to know that things work out and there's a master plan that we're not aware of and we're all just characters in a story so mesmerizing and complex that we don't grasp everything all the time.

I'm okay. I feel the best I have in a very long time. And this time, I have hope, but not on someone else, I feel hope for myself, I feel like I can trust myself, I know that if I walk I wont fall. Stumbling wont hurt me, it will always be okay.

 some people are really cool

*Currently listening to 40 Day Dream by Edward Sharpe & His Magnetic Zeros*

Time To Move On...

My random thoughts will be moving to another blog. I love this one but I feel like I need a fresh start. There was too much going on here.

If you'd like to follow, please shoot me an email and I will reply with the new url.

I'm ready for the fun times. Are you?

     

 This one goes out to someone real special ;)

One Step At A Time

I guess it all starts with knowing what you want. Half of the time I don't really know what it is, but I do know my life needs a change.

I want to travel. I want to go to New York and Chicago and Boston and New Orleans and Seattle. I want to visit Costa Rica and Argentina and Cuba. I want to spend a month in Europe, hopping between countries, staying at small hotels, eating everywhere, smiling a lot. I want to go to Thailand, and Japan, and Australia...

I want to move to New York. I love Los Angeles but I think I need a change. I need to walk the streets of Manhattan and surround myself by the hundreds of people that walk such streets every day.

I want an apartment in Miami, I want an apartment in New York and I want to spend a month in Colombia during the holidays every year.

I want BluShoppe to become something already. I have neglected BluShoppe and it was my baby. I need to get back on track.

I want to own a Cafe and a Boutique and in the office I'll run all my BluShoppe affairs. I'll work hard and be so happy to see that my businesses are successful and I've done it for myself.

I want to buy a new beach cruiser and go to the beach to ride my bike every weekend like I used to do. My ipod, my bike, the ocean breeze and me.

I want to be in a happy relationship. I do want a partner. I want someone who will adore me. I want someone who will listen and who will always be honest. He will love my pets but not have any of his own, he must love music, he must love food and exploring new things and traveling and he will be dedicated and positive and healthy and handsome...

I'm working on this list of what I want... I want to be blissfully happy.

 

I'm going on vacation... :)

*Currently listening to Intuition by Feist*

What You Got For Me?

Somebody said to me: 'Looking at things in a practical way, it makes no sense for you to be hung up on him at all. He didn't give you what you wanted emotionally, romantically or physically, he made you sad and according to you, he never cared. You may not be able to get it all from someone else immediately, but you know there are guys who want to be with you in one way or another... So being practical, the route to take would be to move on and meet your needs elsewhere.'

Yeah... My emotions aren't practical at all... But maybe it's time to give practicality a chance. 

I want to have some fun. At least that, for now.

*Currently listening to Leave House by Caribou*

Cook That Smile Up

My mood is tied to everything, to my desire to cook, to my choice in music, to what I feel like doing...

In the last couple of days, my mind has been exploding with recipes I want to try out. I want to cook up a storm and have my friends over for lunches and dinners... There's a summer salad recipe, a barbecue pulled pork recipe, a roulade, spicy grilled corn salad... So many possibilities.

When I'm feeling happy, I want to cook! I want to get in the kitchen and make a delicious mess and open a bottle of wine and chat with my guests while I chop away!

It's the summer time and life is starting to look sunny again! Time to do some cooking!

*Currently listening to The High Road by Broken Bells*

Hello, I'm Little Magnificent.

It has finally happened.

I think it's too soon to say I'm over him. That's definitely not the case. And perhaps it would be premature to state that the memories of him wont make me sad ever again... They probably will. After-all, he made me feel rejected, insecure, used, sometimes even ridiculous... But now I can also look back and see that there was a lot of good too... There were times when he was so tender it would melt my heart, times when he was so passionate it would light me up on fire, times when he was so involved I thought it would all work out...

The beauty of it all is that it was what it had to be and I'm finally letting go. I feel good. I feel good with myself. I feel good about the future.

Today, I have smiled all day. I have the urgent desire to do things for myself, things that will make me happy, to once again be involved and star in this extraordinary film, my life.

I was lost and now I'm found. It's not too soon to say that. It's not too soon to feel happiness again. And this happiness has not stemmed from him, it's all mine, a little ray of sunshine beaming strongly, working its way to fill me up once more... I can feel the void in me slowly disapearing, it's being filled with self-love, I can feel myself coming into place again... I know it's going to take some time for me to heal completely but I'm happy, I can truly say I'm happy. It IS going to be okay... For a while there I didn't believe it...

My heart is not dead. I am alive! ♥

The Irony...

*Currently listening to Dead Hearts by Stars*