Hola From The Land of Me

It's been a while since I've posted anything here. It's been a while since I've committed to anything. A post takes commitment. I couldn't do commitment of any sort. Baby steps.

I feel like my life had fallen apart and I was in urgent need of doing some inventory control, categorizing the good, the bad, the useful, the useless, the much needed and a plan to get it. I'm in no way anywhere close to being where I should be, but for the first time in a very long time, I'm in a much better place, with a clearer view of what I need, what I want and what I have to do.

I was reckless.

Here's a thing I discovered: I keep people around for the sake of not being alone. Some I keep around because I know they're really great people, like my ex-boyfriend who I kept around because he's a wonderful, smart, caring, handsome man but our relationship ideals were different and our hearts were out-of-sync; then there's people that are completely worthless and I keep telling myself that they are not, simply because I once saw something good in them. It all became clutter. I thought I had all these people around me but I was really alone anyway. You're not in company if there's nothing that ties you to the people around you. You're alone.

Here's a thing I do: I run away from the people that love me and want to be with me. I run away from from the possibility of anyone getting too close. The ex-boyfriend wanted for us to move in together. I ran. I met a guy at a concert, he appeared to be really nice, he was good looking, had a great job, for the little that we talked, we had some in common, he called me a couple of days later and asked me out on a date. I made something up. I ran. I became friends with an intelligent, insightful man, he said we were on the verge of a relationship. I ran. In some of these cases, it was smart to run, in others, not-so-much...

For the first time in my life. I am consciously single and determined to be single until I find myself facing a relationship that will actually be good for me. No more games, no more bland companionship, no more adequacy and lack of fulfillment. I want the whole package or nothing at all.

I have a plan. I'm taking happiness and all forms. I had forgotten about how good the breeze feels on my skin or how rich books make me feel or how much fun it is to roll down the windows and blast my stereo.

I'm good.

Kisses to all.