Father's Day

Some days are hard for me. Father's Day is one of them. I try not to think of it but it's kind of impossible with all the messages and stuff going on everywhere... Plus I do have my Stepfather, a blessing, so I do celebrate him, at least I have that. I'm fortunate to have that.

When I was a little kid, I would make cards for my Dad for Father's Day. I once made him an ashtray, another time a picture frame, one year a tie. He would receive every present with a huge big, smile, he would give me a great, big, bear hug and he'd tell me he loved it. He would use it in whatever way it was appropriate and he'd act joyous to have me, grateful for whatever silly thing I had made, it was fantastic. Looking back, now I realize that's where my love and excitement to give presents and to plot surprises for people comes from. I'd feel so happy from his happiness... The joy of giving, that's where it started.

Later on as I grew old, we discovered a new connection through music. Every Father's Day, I would look for new ways to get my hands on hard-to-get albums he'd love. I would make mixed tapes, spend hours compiling music lists, memorizing lyrics, understanding musical patterns so I could discuss them with him. I now realize that's where my joy of giving music comes from...

I danced my first Salsa with my Father, smoked my first cigarette with my Father, had my first scotch with my Father and it was he who told me men lie and one day I would meet one that would never lie to me because I was going to be his star. I would be his 'Pequeña Magnífica', his Little Magnificent.

I don't hate Father's Day. I just miss my Father. I miss him so much. And today, I miss him more than ever. I wish he was here to tell me something to make me feel better. I wish I could talk to him on the phone or hug him or listen to music together while we share a scotch and talk about the world cup... I wish he was here to make it all alright.

I'm surrounded by people but I feel so lonely. I lost my Dad, I lost my Grandma, I lost love and now I feel like I've also lost myself... I'm trying to stay as strong as possible but sometimes I falter.

Just a little bit more. I know I just have to hang on just a little bit more.

Feliz Día Papá. Te Amo. Te Adoro.