Who ‘he’ is doesn’t matter. “Him’ has changed from time to time.
I tend to think I’m in love. I tend to have sporadic obsessions. Once the novelty is gone, I look back and realize it wasn’t love. Every single time, I fool myself on purpose. I need to know that I can feel something; that I’m not as cold as I’ve been told to be, as I know I am, sometimes.
‘Him” this time has been a little different than the others. I was told this: ‘The only reason why you’re so crazed by him is because he’s not gaga over you like the others have’… Perhaps.
But I have felt. I have loved. Perhaps I have never been in love. I haven’t. I think I would know. I have loved but I have never been in love. That sounds about right.
So what if this is not an obsession? What if this is really love? I can’t be sure yet. All I know is that if this is in fact love, this one is going to be a painful one. But perhaps it’s not love.
Or maybe it is, and I will feel pain, for the first time I will feel the ache claimed to be caused by love, and in that case, perhaps I’ll eventually have enough and move on.
Perhaps.
But this isn’t about him or ‘him’ or anyone. This one is about me. It’s an acknowledgment. Of what? I am not sure. Lately nothing comes into focus. Lately, I don’t know anything. Certainty has become a phantom and I want it to come into shape, into my tangible world. Certainty is what I want the most right now.
Certainty sounds so sweet.
Dulce.
Completely unrelated but funny?
*Currently listening to Home by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros*
Confession: Sometimes I read this blog to find the indy music taglines at the bottom of the post. I find them haunting.
ReplyDeleteUnsolicited Advice: You seem to be single. And , to be honest. Kinda hot. My recommendation to you would be to go to this phantom and blow the ether away from his or her outline. Bring toys.
Seriously, that whole long distance thing is kind of lame. You end up with this whole fantasy world view of the other person. And meanwhile she's probably banging your best friend.
Get on that horse and ride it. Thats my advice.
If he's for real, he'll have a funny way of just waiting for you , you know?
The fact that horses are too stupid to know if their rider is dead or took off across the rio grande is inconsequential. They are there to be ridden hard. Grab his mane.
Ride him hard. I think thats what he wants.
Sorry if this is too personal.
Turner of magnificent broadcasting, you make me smile.
ReplyDeleteI always wonder what goes on behind the mask.
ReplyDeleteGod I am cold today. I rode my bike 30 miles in 20 degree weather. I'm melting as I read this.
Don't take that the wrong way.
maju does it really matter if is love or not? maybe if you just do it because it makes you happy and the minute it doesnt make you happy anymore you let it go...maybe that is all that matters not the am i in love part...i kno where you are coming from but i have also realize that maybe this whole time i have been looking at it the wrong way...there is so much more out there..cant miss out on it :\
ReplyDelete