Saying What You Say. What I Say.

The most difficult thing was to be certain that I was making the right choice. Should I stay or should I go? Well, what's the right answer anyway? If I stay, there's the possibility of getting hurt over and over again. If I go, I don't have him, in any way. And who says it couldn't have been good? But it's hard to believe it could with all this chaos, and when his actions say otherwise. And it's hard not to want to believe him when he says, over and over again, that he wants to be by my side...

I was once told that in life, anything can be achieved by taking baby steps. I've determined the first three steps for me to take.

Step 1: Separation. From him, his friends and any situation that could put him in my face.

Step 2: Stop the crying. Right at this moment, I feel so dry that I think this may be easier than it sounds. Perhaps I cried it all out already and my tear ducts will be forever dry. If not, I must get a hold of myself and stop it. I can't continue to cry at work, at home, while driving, when I listen to any random song. It must all stop.

Step 3: Stop the music. I'm sorry Bernadette, I'm sorry Friends of Distinction, I'm sorry every single song that was put on the CD I made for him like a cheesy high school girl. You must all be put on hold, until I can hear you again without wanting to tear my heart out.

If I can accomplish these three steps, for now, I think I may be okay.

I've been through pretty difficult moments in my life and nothing has hurt as much as this. But I will pull through and it will be okay and my heart will beat regularly again.

*Currently not listening to anything, I'm petrified of Pandora*

Mend It. Or Leave.

re·cur·rent (adj.): Occurring or appearing again or repeatedly.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a nightmare. Like the same bad joke is being told to me once and twice and over and over again. It doesn't end. I can't run away from it. I'm stuck.

And as soon as one day looks good, the next is the same all over again. Recurrent.

I do want to move on. With him, without him, whetever. Which is the best route? What's the best destination? I don't know, if I did know, I wouldn't be here.

this is how it feels sometimes

*Currently listening to Islands by The XX, cause that's how I want to feel instead*

I'm Here. I'm Good.

The horse emails the sheep and disturbs her life. And then the minutes pass slowly, not 60 seconds but an eternity and the reply lays in between spaces.

There's no point, there's no reason and nothing really matters. Pointless. Stale. Empty. But so full.

And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay

I didn't come here to talk about horses and sheep.

Things are well with me. After I thought the agony would kill me I find myself feeling alright. Something has changed though. Something clicked in me and I don't yet know what it is. I feel like I'm observing myself from some higher place.

Time will tell, as it is often said. Let's just hope it's not too much time and that in the end, it's not time wasted. What a pity that would be.

*Currently listening to The Blowers Daughter by Damien Rice*

Not Moving.

He said he can't leave me. I said I didn't want to go. So he's not going and I'm not going. We're staying? He said we've never been apart. But I don't know if we're together.

He posts sentimental songs and sends me sweet messages. I picture my life without him. I'm not moving. I don't want to. I can't make myself get up and go.

He'll smile and I'll melt and maybe everything will be alright.

I've become cheesy and sappy, where's the me I used to know? The one who didn't care for men? They were toys with an expiration date. Disposable.

Each relationship is supposed to teach you something. That's what I've heard.

For now, or ever, but for a fact I know that for now, I can not move. I would die.

A Project

*Currently listening to Million Faces by Paolo Nutini*

I'm Trying Not To Grieve Prematurely

He met her at a shooting gallery
Like everything about him
His timing was bad
And she'd just won
The fourth largest
Movie-inspired plush porcupine

I was enchanted by the possibilities. Every time we'd be together there was some kind of magic. I stuck around because he fascinates me. And when he smiles and kisses me, everything disappears and the world becomes an iridescent disco ball.

I told him I needed to leave, but I don't really want to go. And I can't stop the tears. And I can't stop thinking I wont have him at all.

Oh but what am I to do, my mind is in a whirlpool.
Give me a little hope, one small thing to cling to.
You got me going in circles, oh round and round I go.

When does the sorrow stop? How do I move on? How do I pick myself on and keep on moving when it feels like there's nothing left in me?

Last week my life had meaning
It was beautiful and so sweet
But now it's nothing, nothing without you baby
My whole world is incomplete.

*Currently listening to Am I The Same Girl by Barbara Acklin*

My Name Is Little Magnificent And I Am An Addict

Everything comes to an end. You just never expect to hear 'I don't know what to say' when you get to the end of the road.

I'm listening to Bajo Fondo a lot, only because it's 'safe' music. It doesn't remind me of him. There will be a lot to avoid if I want to keep it safe. This will be my first time doing this. Usually when I'm done, I'm done. It's never been self-inflicted. It's not really like I wanted to go.

The first step to rehabilitation is accepting you have a problem. He was my addiction and I need to kick it. Period.

* * * End of Transmission * * *

*Currently listening to Red Light by Sioux and the Banshees*

Coachella 2010 & Me.

I'm going to have to break this post up in two, you'll see why...

PART ONE

I ain't happy,
I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but
Not for long
The future is coming on.

-Gorillaz

Coachella was amazing. That will be the first part to this post. There's nothing in this world I like more than music and food and Coachella was a music overload. Seeing performers and bands that I love plus discovering new ones was a positively fantastic experience. Next year, I hope to be able to go again, it will be year 3 for me... Fantastical!

The days that follow will most likely be filled with naps and getting a lot of the great new music I discovered into my itunes. It's like homework, but the fun kind.

My favorite performances were definitely Aterciopelados, it was incredible to see a band from my country performing in front of thousands of people and rocking out as if they were hanging out in their back yard. The XX was also amazing. I caught Little Boots for a second time and she rocked my world again and B.o.B. and Tiesto surprised me with their talent and awesomeness. Then comes The Gorillaz, and I'm speechless, no words, I thought it would be so overrated but no, no, no... Amazing!



PART TWO

I wrote this while still being at the festival. It came to my mind and I had to get it down...

As he stands next to me to see one of the performers I wanted to see the most this one song plays and I believe it's going to be inevitable. The weekend with him hasn't been as easy as I expected it to be. He's hot and then he's cold. He's there and then he's not. He's not mine, I'm borrowing him.

Everyone has a breaking point and I can see the end is near, coming up right after the next corner, I'm just not sure how long this block is...

*Currently listening to Meddle by Little Boots*

Crazy Talk. Hot.

I was just told:

'You need to pounce my bones. Right now. Or never. I'm like a glass of milk. I will spoil if you leave me out too long. So get rid of loft-man and come out here and pounce my bones. Or just come over, we should be able to keep our hands off each other, or not (hopes for not). You come to me and kneel. Simple.'

Some people have crazy bravery and guts... Totally random, completely insane and I must confess, a little bit HOT.

Post data: Updates on my Coachella weekend coming up very soon...



*Currently listening to Tell Me Lies by Fleetwood Mac*

He Had A Problem. I Have A Problem.

The problem in my previous relationship is that I got fed up, I lost all patience and I started seeing things for what they were... He said he loved me and I knew it was true, but one day I saw through all the bullshit and I woke up exhausted. I couldn't put up with the jealousy and his attempts to control me anymore. I started questioning if he in fact loved me, or if he loved his idea of what I should be.

My dedication to our relationship ceased to matter to him. His accusations were more and more far fetched each day and I would find myself in awe. Eventually I didn't want to see him very often, for I knew that every time we'd see each other, there would be an argument. Sometimes, I didn't even want to talk to him. In simple terms, it sucked. He took away the magic, my desire to love him, our intimacy, and our friendship. I couldn't tell him everything anymore, sometimes he'd take things that I'd say as an opening for questioning, sometimes he'd believe something completely different from what I was telling him.

Back then, I used to think, he had turned into a monster.

And eventually, like everything else, I left.

And because life seems to be a big giant irony, I have now become that monster. And now I wonder if perhaps he was right, if perhaps I could have comforted him differently, if perhaps I could have done things in a way to keep what we had alive.

Sometimes I miss him... He was after all not just my lover and my partner but my best friend. And still, 'till this day, I think it's a shame that something so good could have been ruined by something so ridiculous.

And now, since everything is a lesson, is time for me to remember this and do things right.

Breathe in, breathe out, move on.



*Currently listening to I Can Change by LCD Soundsystem*

So, So Much

I feel so incredibly happy. So much joy, excitement, happiness... I don't want it to be interrupted, I want it to last forever, I want everyone to have a little of it, I want it to go on and on, throughout the world, from person to person. This ecstatic joy is simply fantastical.

And here's my tune to joy for the day...



And in a little part in my heart, I'm scared. I don't want this castle to crash into the ground.

Don't Want This Fear.

My day was great and everything was perfectly fine and then I found out about something. Something that has nothing to do with me. Something that should have no effect on me. Something that shouldn't bother me at all... But I find myself in blind fear and extreme anxiety and all I want to hear is that everything is going to be alright.

But I know I shouldn't ask. And I know it wont make sense. And perhaps I'm feeling this way for nothing. Perhaps this is all unfounded. And if it's not, I will be crushed and I will have to move on anyway, as I've always known I'd have to if needed.

I have to remind myself to breathe. I have to push it away and carry on.


*Currently listening to Twice by Little Dragon *

I Don't Even Have To Wish.

I'm slightly moneyless, I have no answers, I have no plan, but I'm a happy, happy gal. I feel like I could dance up a storm right now...

And out of nowhere, Pandora has decided to spit out Skee-lo...

Enjoy...

Two. Too Much For One.

Is it possible to love two people?

It feels like we've been cheated by something larger than us. In a perfect world, without the irony, there would have been no distance, geographically, in age, in circumstances. Then he would have been with me and I with him.

And when months and months passed with barely any communication and one day, I heard his voice again, the simplicity of a 15 minute conversation brought it all back immediately. All that tenderness. All that wanting.

If it was easier, if it was even possible, would it be as good?

And what about who I have here? What about him and his effort and the patience he's practiced to show that he does care, even if in his own way? What about that feeling a get when I'm laying next to him? What about him? He, I can touch, feel...

So is it possible? Is it real?

Or am I playing mind games with myself? Again...



*Currently listening to Might Tell You Tonight by Scissor Sisters*

Little Smiles...

Giving Up

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes? Then I'll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart.

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

I am giving up for you.

- Ingrid Michealson

I Try. In Vain.

I asked him to let me go, because if he's still holding on, I wont be able to go, I wont be able to do it myself. But, secretly, what I really want, is for him to hold on tight. To never let me go.

Things are well most of the time. When they are not, I burn with fear for my little heart and I want to run away and make myself safe.

I can't seem to run fast enough. He always catches up.



*Currently listening to I Try by Macy Gray*

Again.

I caught the second half of Elegy on HBO tonight. What an amazing movie. I think I need to watch it a third time...

'Time passes when you're not looking'

Elegy, also a love story.

Hello There, It's Me. Really.

I needed some sleep, I needed some silence, I needed to talk to someone whom I hadn't heard from in a while. I needed some space to reevaluate and search for clarity. I needed to be soothed, but this time not by someone else. I needed to be able to soothe myself.

I get caught up believing things are one way, I was off, by a lot. And it's okay.

Some situations become a habit, some relationships cease to be necessary or even healthy and become a recurring daily step by step. Some friendships disguise themselves as more, some emotions creep up on you and when you least expect it everything has changed.

Quite honestly, I wanted to believe what I believed. And quite honestly, I knew it wasn't so. Blind faith kept me playing a part that wasn't written for me... And also, quite honestly, I'm ready to play my part, whatever it is.

I slept a lot today and I'm ready to sleep some more.

Good night world.

Fake Stars, wannabes.

*Currently listening to Giving Up by Ingrid Michaelson*

A Question Gets Answered

Public answer for Turnerbroadcasting...

About your question, why do I not post about something else? Why can't I post about him?

Do you remember how it feels when somebody occupies your life entirely? How it affects your mind, heart, what you see day to day, how the meanings to songs all relate, how the taste of everything carries a certain note... Do you remember the days when your first and last phone call of the day were to the same person? Day after day. Do you remember the dreamy days of making plans for the future that included this one person that makes you very happy?

Well It's like that.

Everything is him.

Everywhere.

And sometimes, it's overwhelming, and frightening and it makes me anxious. And it makes me a little crazy.

And sometimes, it's too much for me to handle.

So here, on this blog. In this space. My sacred sanctuary and blank page. Here, it should be me and my random thoughts. He's not random, he's become constant. He's taking up too much space.

I can't move if he's here.

Maybe the random will come. Maybe it will. I hope.

*Currently listening to Sideways by Citizen Cope*