For a while, I didn't write because I really didn't have anything new to say. It felt like my head, my life, was going around in circles and nothing new would take place. I felt the same things every day: Pain, betrayal, disappointment, discouragement, anger... I was in a bad place.
Eventually things started to shift around and letting go of some emotions and people and habits allowed for better emotions, people and habits to come into my life. The saying is true, you must discard some bad to make room for good.
This new arrangement works better for me.
Then I didn't write because it seems that I write much better when I'm sad... Whoa, looking back and reading this blog I've found there was a lot of sadness going on.
Everything passes. Everything changes. Nothing stays the same forever.
I saw one of my ex-boyfriends on Friday. He was my first boyfriend, when we were young and naive (yes, more naive than I am now), when I wasn't skeptical, when I thought it would last forever. Hugging him was like being home again, but a home from a long time ago. Not home now. He's married now, and he has a child and he's happy, and I felt nothing but happiness for him and it made me feel great to know that things work out and there's a master plan that we're not aware of and we're all just characters in a story so mesmerizing and complex that we don't grasp everything all the time.
I'm okay. I feel the best I have in a very long time. And this time, I have hope, but not on someone else, I feel hope for myself, I feel like I can trust myself, I know that if I walk I wont fall. Stumbling wont hurt me, it will always be okay.
some people are really cool
*Currently listening to 40 Day Dream by Edward Sharpe & His Magnetic Zeros*
A maju post! Cool beans sexy.
ReplyDeleteLife will get much better once you get to Miami!
I had a nightmare last night that there was a girlfriend in bed, with my wife and I. She was well dressed, well spoken and fun to be around with and I was making love to her in my bed with my wife alongside - and my wife didn't care.
ReplyDeleteBut it turned into a nightmare. She had fangs. Then I woke up and the kitten was licking my nose then biting it. Not fair.
I spent the rest of the night burrowed into two pillows, slept very uncomfortably - hiding from the kitten all night long .
The little thing literally burrowed in between the pillows and bit my ear.
I think the sex dream would have been nicer without the biting.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
Little Fluffy Clouds...
ReplyDeleteHe's Dead, Jim.
ReplyDeleteYou know, this may sound strange but I believe that there is this constant war between good and evil. And all that has to happen for evil to win is for good to do nothing at all.
ReplyDeleteI could be wrong on this point.
At least part of this theory is rooted in observations of common housecats.
Still, it would be a huge boost to me to see if this blog or one like it would return to the land of the living. It would reaffirm my belief in a certain power.
Who shall remain nameless.