Sleeping Or Not - It Doesn't Even Matter.

At around 11 o'clock last night, he told me he had just woken up from a nap. He could have been napping, why not? I've done so before, when I get home from an exhausting day and all I want to do is sleep. He could have been sleeping. He likes to sleep... But in my mind he wasn't sleeping. In my mind he wasn't home. In my mind, he was somewhere else with someone else.

I didn't use to be like this. I didn't understand what all the fuss was about. I didn't understand why people would feel jealousy or why, if they did, they would be with someone they couldn't trust. Prior to him, I didn't understand what being in love was either. I didn't grasp the concept of loving someone so much that your standards mean little and your code of acceptable behavior becomes a flexible ruler. I couldn't imagine wanting to be with one single person all the time or how everything all of the sudden becomes brighter, music more melodious, the aromas sweeter, the food tastier, simply, everything better when that person is around.

He's changed everything.

I fell in love with a man who loved his freedom and all the ladies. He said I was the only one. He said he didn't believe in labels or commitment but I was the only person he was seeing. It was a lie. There were others, and not just one or two. There were several. And then there were his apologies and his promises and his desire to commit to me, now, it almost feels like the end-result of an ultimatum and I can't help to wonder if he would have made all those offers had he not got caught in so many lies and all his deceit... Perhaps I would still be trusting and loving him blindly and he'd still be seeing me and the others too. 

I fell in love and I got my heart broken. I was quick to trust, quick to love, quick to believe. The signs were all there. I should have ran the second he said he didn't want a commitment. I should have ran when I offered him so much and I was getting so little.

He used to say he had been napping. But he hadn't, most likely not. Most likely then, he was with any one of them. I always believed everything he said.

He's done everything perfectly in the last few weeks. He's been with me in every way, he's been attentive, he's been available, he's been committed. He makes plans for the future and introduced me to some of his family and friends, he's shown that he cares, he says he's so in love. Yet still, it's not enough. Because in the back of my mind, there's always the reminder of what he did. It's not on him anymore. I can't trust him. I can't let go. That's on me.

I feel like everything happened out of sequence. We barely knew each other and I gave myself to him. I lied to myself about what I wanted until I realized I was in too deep. He took advantage of how devoted I was and how much I wanted to offer. And now, when we're finally on the same page, it's too late.

He was probably napping last night. But the 4 hours spent in mortifying concern felt like 4 days and my mind wandered through every negative path... How many more times can I live through that? How is that healthy? How is that fair to him or to me?

He was probably just napping but to me, it felt like the end of the world.He was or he wasn't and the bottom line is that I don't want to have to wonder what the truth is.

I have two options and the first one, letting go, the one I was hoping to be able to take, hasn't paved into a walkable road. Every time I've tried taking that route there's been a detour, back to the same old, dark street, back into doubt and worry. The second option was to leave him. He can't fix this, we can't go back in time. I can't do this to him or me anymore.

It feels like I can't breathe and I can't see. I can already feel the void. It feels like I have to hold myself together. I've had plenty of practice keeping a straight face. I'll pull through it. This is not be the first time... I thought I would die before, I know I wont. I wish I could sleep through it all and wake up and be cured, for this that I feel doesn't seem like a pleasant trance but like a venomous spell that has made me sick. I wish I could fix it and stay with him forever. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and find him smiling by my side.

Sleeping or not... It doesn't matter.

*Currently not listening to anything, I'm scared of the music, I'm scared of anything that might make me think of him*