Time To Quit.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. I think it’s bullshit to wait for a year to be over to do something that you probably should get on immediately. No resolutions for me. I’m keeping it real.

I would like to stop smoking. I’ve never committed to it because I knew I wasn’t ready. I’m ready now. I can feel it. I have a pack with me; it has about 4 cigarettes left. Trial time, will I want to smoke those?

Quitting is important. Smoking isn’t the only thing I should quit.

'Cover the path to the heart
Don’t let those footholds start
And don’t let no one in
Cause they never got you and you never got them'.
-They Never Got You, Spoon.

*Currently listening to Bernadette by The Four Tops*

Melting. Just A Little Bit.

Last Night, after being out with one of my best friends and arriving to an empty home, I had a little bit of a melt down.

I’m soon going to turn 30. I’ve pushed the one man who loved me unconditionally away from me. I run from commitment. I’m scared of vulnerabilities. I’m inadequate when it comes to feeling. I’m practical and non-conventional when it comes to love affairs. I’m every man’s dream when it comes to a woman to have a fling with, but at the end of the day, I’m alone.

I have great people around me. I have friends, real friends. There's love coming my way. I have a fun, interesting life. I have a career, I have a job, I have good health and I have a caring, fulfilling family... I even have a cute pet to go with all of it... Somehow last night, it wasn't enough.

I felt the loneliness last night. I felt it and I melted, just a little bit.

San Andres, Colombia - Where I'd love to be right now.

*Currently listening to No One’s Gonna Love You by Band of Horses*

To Know Is A Start.

I know what I want in a man…

He’s a gentleman. He opens doors and takes your coat and walks you from the car to the door when he drops you off after a date. He’ll valet so you never have to walk in the pretty heels you decide to wear at any given time and he always compliments how good you look and smell.

He’s smooth, he’s modest but he knows just how good looking, bright and sharp he is. He’s very intelligent but he’s good with small talk and easy conversation even though he’s capable of talking about pretty much anything.

He knows and loves to dance, read, cook and he’s into sports. He’s talented with his hands, in every way. He’s passionate about good music, good films and good love making.

He’s successful but never cocky, he’s independent but not arrogant, he’s strong but not macho. He’s a tender-at-heart rock that will be sturdy in any time of need.

He's loyal and has a great sense of humor, slightly sarcastic, always timely. He's a family man, he's good to his friends, he's considerate with his peers and he's thoughtful, generous and kind. He loves animals, especially cats, he's clean, organized, well groomed and he always smells amazing.

He listens, he smiles and one look will leave you in a daze.

Every man in the world should take lessons from him on how to be a man.

... That will do for now...

*Currently listening to Puttin' On The Ritz by Ella Fitzgerald*

Slip. Whenever.

I'm not sure what his name is, in fact, I'm not even sure he told me what it was... He wanted me to guess what his background is. I told him I didn't play guessing games. I do love games though but he didn't need to know that.

'Stand up, I want to see you', I stood.

As I handed him my business card and signaled my girls to head towards the exit, I whispered in his ear: 'If you're smart, you'll call me tomorrow'... 3 steps later, I slipped and fell...

PS - I'm still embarrassed to ask him for his name.

*Currently listening to Dinah by Louis Armstrong*

Canción De Amor.

I really like this one... Gosh, they were good...

La Mia Es Bella.

I never really think of Colombia too much. I think it may have to do with the fact that I can't really call one place home. I am Colombian, but the world, at its large, has been my home always. The longest I've stayed in one place has been now, Los Angeles, but my blood still runs Colombian, ardiente.

There are things that I miss from time to time, like buying chuntaduros while waiting at a stop light and Sundays of 'refajo y asadito al la'o de la piscina'... I miss the camaraderie and closeness you have with people and the festive joy of being alive.

Here, in America, I've noticed that much is taken for granted and making yourself happy is the only way to carry on. I make myself happy. In that, I have been successful.

So back to Colombia... Around this time is the best time to be in Cali... La Feria is about to start, there's this electricity in the air and music in every corner. The street vendors are preparing for the thousands that go party in the city and everything is a celebration...

I miss mi Cali bella... Next year, I'll be Cali-bound!

Cali, Colombia - En la noche.

*Currently listening to Growing Pains by La Roux*

I Did Tell You So...

I think I remember warning him. People never listen or see the signs. I told him I'm not a good person, not the way good is supposed to really be good. I may be fun and exciting, not good, not in a relationship. I'm no good. He says I am a selfish bitch, boy is he right. I'm selfish, not a bitch, selfish and aloof. Yes, that much is true.

Do you remember the apartment with the little front yard and the mini kitchen? It was charming. I'd open the double french doors that led to the front porch so I could smoke long, skinny cigarettes and read. I'd dream about more colorful places, not happier, for I thought I was the happiest.

Do you remember the old Ford Taurus? Yes, the one that stopped responding one day, after many, many days of use, the one that lost its bumper on a curve once, the one with the big, bag seat. That car was an adventure, an adventure similar to us. We were sturdy, trustworthy, a little off yet completely spot on.

I think I remember it clearly... Perhaps not clear enough... Now I have my own signs to read. Now I have to open my eyes...


*Currently listening to Heartbeats (live at Parke Ave) by Jose Gonzalez*

I Want To Rock You...

Yes, all I want to do is lounge around in my hello kitty bathrobe and my hello kitty fluffy slippers. Another great weekend comes to an end and it feels like I got hit by a truck.

It feels like madness hit a wall and left silver sparkles behind.

It feels like I'm not just lucky, I'm grand!

On Friday, I had my annual holiday dinner party. Most of my favorite people came over, we drank, ate, shared hugs, exchanged stories. These people are truly amazing. These people are incredible special.

I watched The Princess and The Frog yesterday. It made me cry. I guess I'm still too sensitive to anything having to do with a father and daughter, especially if the father passes. I heard Brittany Murphy passed away. One on my favorite movies, Uptown Girls, is one of those that always makes me cry. I want my dad back.

There's one thing left with me, I love it all, music run through my veins, the thought of you is always around. Sabor.

My Dad, My Mom and I, Rio de Janeiro, 1982.

*Currently listening to I Got Five On It by Luniz*

I Can Give You What You Want...

Get The Rope

I was accused of having no emotions. Large accusation you fucker. I do feel.

I was accused of being too emotional. Poor observation. I just happen to care.

Which one is it? The day turned gray and the question lingered. Glass of wine in hand, I still think. I want it to make a difference and I want it to go away. Stay, but not so bitterly. I want you sweet.