The posted speed limit is 55 but the speedometer reads 80, we're living dangerously, VV Brown is singing about a shark in the water. It's a sunny day, beautiful, enjoyable weather. It's California, the perfection is absolute.
We're driving to Los Olivos, a town north of Santa Barbara, next to Solvang. We're meeting friends and family for lunch. I'm in good company, I feel happy. I hadn't felt happy in a long time. It's exhilarating.
I feel like me again, like I can breathe, like I can take in all the beauty that surrounds me. I can hear the music. I can hear people's stories and enjoy every sentence, I can pause and feel. I'm not as broken as I thought I was. He fractured me, he didn't break me. All that pain has somewhat washed away. I can see myself. It's me again. I was scared I'd never feel like this again. I was fearful, I was losing myself. Today, I laughed and I meant it, I smiled and I could feel every muscle in my face work its way without effort. The wind was refreshing, conversation flowed easily. I'm not half-dead. I'm alive.
Am I fearful? Still? Yes. A little. But at least I know that I'm capable of being alright. I thought I'd never be alright again. I will. No matter what happens, happiness is a possibility. I'm alive.
A good flavor of crazy*Currently listening to Everchanging by Rise Against*
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMarco, sarcasm doesn't work with me well. I told you I'd be busy over the weekend. I can't apologize for something I have no control over. Maybe next time.
ReplyDelete