You're Sorry. And There's A Stop Sign.

The problem wasn't just what he would do that would make me feel sad but also the many things he did to make me believe I was acting crazy. I started to feel like I was turning into this monster and I would kick myself in the head, repeatedly, because according to what I was supposed to believe, he loved me and he cared for me and he would never do anything to hurt me, so everything was in my head and how could I doubt such a caring person?

Well it turned out to be that I was right all along. He did lie to me, he did deliberately do all those things that would knowingly hurt my feelings. Being hit with knowing all this was painful. But mostly, I felt relieved. I wasn't going crazy, I wasn't turning into a monster, there was a reason I felt that way, all along, he'd lie to me and I was right.

What's left of months of waiting and patience and love is a bunch of apologies and many promises. I would love to be able to move pass everything and forgive, but as the days pass by and everything settles, and the chaos morphs into the calm normality I know and love, it has become more and more clear to me that I may not be ready to forgive all that crap, so much crap.

Do I want to believe that he can be there for me? Of course. I want to believe him and run with it. I just don't know that I can. At least not yet. And now, it is all in his hands... He can make it work or not. It's his turn to be patient. It's his turn to wait and see what will come out of this, to see if I am capable. I am making no promises. I had made them already, a while ago, and he stepped all over them.

Last night and today, I felt like I could breathe again. I feel peace. I feel okay. I know that I did what I could and I loved him as much as it was possible. The way I see him has changed, he changed it and it pains me. But that doesn't mean it can't be good someday, and that doesn't mean we should try at all either... At this point, I don't know what anything means. But this time, at least I'm no longer hoping or waiting... It's on him and mostly, it's my choice.

*Currently listening to Dance, Dance, Dance by DJ RayChill*