He Had A Problem. I Have A Problem.

The problem in my previous relationship is that I got fed up, I lost all patience and I started seeing things for what they were... He said he loved me and I knew it was true, but one day I saw through all the bullshit and I woke up exhausted. I couldn't put up with the jealousy and his attempts to control me anymore. I started questioning if he in fact loved me, or if he loved his idea of what I should be.

My dedication to our relationship ceased to matter to him. His accusations were more and more far fetched each day and I would find myself in awe. Eventually I didn't want to see him very often, for I knew that every time we'd see each other, there would be an argument. Sometimes, I didn't even want to talk to him. In simple terms, it sucked. He took away the magic, my desire to love him, our intimacy, and our friendship. I couldn't tell him everything anymore, sometimes he'd take things that I'd say as an opening for questioning, sometimes he'd believe something completely different from what I was telling him.

Back then, I used to think, he had turned into a monster.

And eventually, like everything else, I left.

And because life seems to be a big giant irony, I have now become that monster. And now I wonder if perhaps he was right, if perhaps I could have comforted him differently, if perhaps I could have done things in a way to keep what we had alive.

Sometimes I miss him... He was after all not just my lover and my partner but my best friend. And still, 'till this day, I think it's a shame that something so good could have been ruined by something so ridiculous.

And now, since everything is a lesson, is time for me to remember this and do things right.

Breathe in, breathe out, move on.



*Currently listening to I Can Change by LCD Soundsystem*

So, So Much

I feel so incredibly happy. So much joy, excitement, happiness... I don't want it to be interrupted, I want it to last forever, I want everyone to have a little of it, I want it to go on and on, throughout the world, from person to person. This ecstatic joy is simply fantastical.

And here's my tune to joy for the day...



And in a little part in my heart, I'm scared. I don't want this castle to crash into the ground.

Don't Want This Fear.

My day was great and everything was perfectly fine and then I found out about something. Something that has nothing to do with me. Something that should have no effect on me. Something that shouldn't bother me at all... But I find myself in blind fear and extreme anxiety and all I want to hear is that everything is going to be alright.

But I know I shouldn't ask. And I know it wont make sense. And perhaps I'm feeling this way for nothing. Perhaps this is all unfounded. And if it's not, I will be crushed and I will have to move on anyway, as I've always known I'd have to if needed.

I have to remind myself to breathe. I have to push it away and carry on.


*Currently listening to Twice by Little Dragon *

I Don't Even Have To Wish.

I'm slightly moneyless, I have no answers, I have no plan, but I'm a happy, happy gal. I feel like I could dance up a storm right now...

And out of nowhere, Pandora has decided to spit out Skee-lo...

Enjoy...

Two. Too Much For One.

Is it possible to love two people?

It feels like we've been cheated by something larger than us. In a perfect world, without the irony, there would have been no distance, geographically, in age, in circumstances. Then he would have been with me and I with him.

And when months and months passed with barely any communication and one day, I heard his voice again, the simplicity of a 15 minute conversation brought it all back immediately. All that tenderness. All that wanting.

If it was easier, if it was even possible, would it be as good?

And what about who I have here? What about him and his effort and the patience he's practiced to show that he does care, even if in his own way? What about that feeling a get when I'm laying next to him? What about him? He, I can touch, feel...

So is it possible? Is it real?

Or am I playing mind games with myself? Again...



*Currently listening to Might Tell You Tonight by Scissor Sisters*

Little Smiles...

Giving Up

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes? Then I'll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart.

I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

I am giving up for you.

- Ingrid Michealson

I Try. In Vain.

I asked him to let me go, because if he's still holding on, I wont be able to go, I wont be able to do it myself. But, secretly, what I really want, is for him to hold on tight. To never let me go.

Things are well most of the time. When they are not, I burn with fear for my little heart and I want to run away and make myself safe.

I can't seem to run fast enough. He always catches up.



*Currently listening to I Try by Macy Gray*

Again.

I caught the second half of Elegy on HBO tonight. What an amazing movie. I think I need to watch it a third time...

'Time passes when you're not looking'

Elegy, also a love story.

Hello There, It's Me. Really.

I needed some sleep, I needed some silence, I needed to talk to someone whom I hadn't heard from in a while. I needed some space to reevaluate and search for clarity. I needed to be soothed, but this time not by someone else. I needed to be able to soothe myself.

I get caught up believing things are one way, I was off, by a lot. And it's okay.

Some situations become a habit, some relationships cease to be necessary or even healthy and become a recurring daily step by step. Some friendships disguise themselves as more, some emotions creep up on you and when you least expect it everything has changed.

Quite honestly, I wanted to believe what I believed. And quite honestly, I knew it wasn't so. Blind faith kept me playing a part that wasn't written for me... And also, quite honestly, I'm ready to play my part, whatever it is.

I slept a lot today and I'm ready to sleep some more.

Good night world.

Fake Stars, wannabes.

*Currently listening to Giving Up by Ingrid Michaelson*

A Question Gets Answered

Public answer for Turnerbroadcasting...

About your question, why do I not post about something else? Why can't I post about him?

Do you remember how it feels when somebody occupies your life entirely? How it affects your mind, heart, what you see day to day, how the meanings to songs all relate, how the taste of everything carries a certain note... Do you remember the days when your first and last phone call of the day were to the same person? Day after day. Do you remember the dreamy days of making plans for the future that included this one person that makes you very happy?

Well It's like that.

Everything is him.

Everywhere.

And sometimes, it's overwhelming, and frightening and it makes me anxious. And it makes me a little crazy.

And sometimes, it's too much for me to handle.

So here, on this blog. In this space. My sacred sanctuary and blank page. Here, it should be me and my random thoughts. He's not random, he's become constant. He's taking up too much space.

I can't move if he's here.

Maybe the random will come. Maybe it will. I hope.

*Currently listening to Sideways by Citizen Cope*