Love You. Enough.

I do this. I build things up and I get so excited and it ends in self-disappointment.

I was so caught up in wanting him to want me that I failed to see if I really wanted him at all. Now I look at him and I feel like I don't even know him. I really don't. I don't know what his favorite color is, I don't know what he likes to do during the holidays or what his favorite movie is, what his pet peeves are or what his ideal Sunday is.

In a way, I guess that's what you find out when you're dating. But we've determined we're just not dating anymore. He calls me his girlfriend and I am to call him my boyfriend and what happens down the road, when you wake up next to that person and you realize it isn't what you thought it would be?

For me, 'boyfriend' had been reserved for one person, on and off for 6 years the only person who earned the boyfriend title was the man I stuck by over arguments, disagreements, ups and downs. Even when we'd break up and I saw other people, those were never boyfriends, even with the musician who made me smile with just a thought of him... He was never my boyfriend. I think deep inside I knew I'd always go back to 'the boyfriend' and I always left that space open for him. The title was always his.

Now, things are different. I'm  beyond being ready to move past the man I once loved. And in this new adventure, I've fallen in love, had my heart broken, had apologies made, heard promises and have decided to give it a go. He's what I wanted, in many ways, prior to being surprised by harsh realities. Could he still be what I want now that the shine is days old and the scratches and marks a lifetime have shown who he is?

He's still smart, handsome, charming, funny and quirky in ways that I adore. But he's also other things I wouldn't have tolerated had they'd been shown to me early on. But maybe it was all a big mistake, as told to me by someone yesterday: 'Maybe he knew what he wanted all along and he had to prove something to himself, hence all the other crap'... Maybe...

We like different sports teams, we don't have the same taste in music, I love to dance, he likes to drink and chat. I like the night-time, he likes movies I have never seen or some that I know I will never like. I like explosions of bright bubble-gum pink, and watching funny movies that make my stomach ache and eating ice cream in my pajamas and having pancakes for dinner... He likes sleeping and Star Wars and women and... And I'm sitting here trying to think what else he likes and can't come up with anything else.

I'm here and he's here and we're together. I look at him and I want my heart to expand and beat like it used to. I'm content. Blissful happiness? Maybe... I'm closing my eyes and letting it be. Hit me. I have a boyfriend.

*Currently listening to Inside & Out by Feist*