Saying What You Say. What I Say.

The most difficult thing was to be certain that I was making the right choice. Should I stay or should I go? Well, what's the right answer anyway? If I stay, there's the possibility of getting hurt over and over again. If I go, I don't have him, in any way. And who says it couldn't have been good? But it's hard to believe it could with all this chaos, and when his actions say otherwise. And it's hard not to want to believe him when he says, over and over again, that he wants to be by my side...

I was once told that in life, anything can be achieved by taking baby steps. I've determined the first three steps for me to take.

Step 1: Separation. From him, his friends and any situation that could put him in my face.

Step 2: Stop the crying. Right at this moment, I feel so dry that I think this may be easier than it sounds. Perhaps I cried it all out already and my tear ducts will be forever dry. If not, I must get a hold of myself and stop it. I can't continue to cry at work, at home, while driving, when I listen to any random song. It must all stop.

Step 3: Stop the music. I'm sorry Bernadette, I'm sorry Friends of Distinction, I'm sorry every single song that was put on the CD I made for him like a cheesy high school girl. You must all be put on hold, until I can hear you again without wanting to tear my heart out.

If I can accomplish these three steps, for now, I think I may be okay.

I've been through pretty difficult moments in my life and nothing has hurt as much as this. But I will pull through and it will be okay and my heart will beat regularly again.

*Currently not listening to anything, I'm petrified of Pandora*

Mend It. Or Leave.

re·cur·rent (adj.): Occurring or appearing again or repeatedly.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a nightmare. Like the same bad joke is being told to me once and twice and over and over again. It doesn't end. I can't run away from it. I'm stuck.

And as soon as one day looks good, the next is the same all over again. Recurrent.

I do want to move on. With him, without him, whetever. Which is the best route? What's the best destination? I don't know, if I did know, I wouldn't be here.

this is how it feels sometimes

*Currently listening to Islands by The XX, cause that's how I want to feel instead*

I'm Here. I'm Good.

The horse emails the sheep and disturbs her life. And then the minutes pass slowly, not 60 seconds but an eternity and the reply lays in between spaces.

There's no point, there's no reason and nothing really matters. Pointless. Stale. Empty. But so full.

And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay

I didn't come here to talk about horses and sheep.

Things are well with me. After I thought the agony would kill me I find myself feeling alright. Something has changed though. Something clicked in me and I don't yet know what it is. I feel like I'm observing myself from some higher place.

Time will tell, as it is often said. Let's just hope it's not too much time and that in the end, it's not time wasted. What a pity that would be.

*Currently listening to The Blowers Daughter by Damien Rice*

Not Moving.

He said he can't leave me. I said I didn't want to go. So he's not going and I'm not going. We're staying? He said we've never been apart. But I don't know if we're together.

He posts sentimental songs and sends me sweet messages. I picture my life without him. I'm not moving. I don't want to. I can't make myself get up and go.

He'll smile and I'll melt and maybe everything will be alright.

I've become cheesy and sappy, where's the me I used to know? The one who didn't care for men? They were toys with an expiration date. Disposable.

Each relationship is supposed to teach you something. That's what I've heard.

For now, or ever, but for a fact I know that for now, I can not move. I would die.

A Project

*Currently listening to Million Faces by Paolo Nutini*

I'm Trying Not To Grieve Prematurely

He met her at a shooting gallery
Like everything about him
His timing was bad
And she'd just won
The fourth largest
Movie-inspired plush porcupine

I was enchanted by the possibilities. Every time we'd be together there was some kind of magic. I stuck around because he fascinates me. And when he smiles and kisses me, everything disappears and the world becomes an iridescent disco ball.

I told him I needed to leave, but I don't really want to go. And I can't stop the tears. And I can't stop thinking I wont have him at all.

Oh but what am I to do, my mind is in a whirlpool.
Give me a little hope, one small thing to cling to.
You got me going in circles, oh round and round I go.

When does the sorrow stop? How do I move on? How do I pick myself on and keep on moving when it feels like there's nothing left in me?

Last week my life had meaning
It was beautiful and so sweet
But now it's nothing, nothing without you baby
My whole world is incomplete.

*Currently listening to Am I The Same Girl by Barbara Acklin*

My Name Is Little Magnificent And I Am An Addict

Everything comes to an end. You just never expect to hear 'I don't know what to say' when you get to the end of the road.

I'm listening to Bajo Fondo a lot, only because it's 'safe' music. It doesn't remind me of him. There will be a lot to avoid if I want to keep it safe. This will be my first time doing this. Usually when I'm done, I'm done. It's never been self-inflicted. It's not really like I wanted to go.

The first step to rehabilitation is accepting you have a problem. He was my addiction and I need to kick it. Period.

* * * End of Transmission * * *

*Currently listening to Red Light by Sioux and the Banshees*

Coachella 2010 & Me.

I'm going to have to break this post up in two, you'll see why...

PART ONE

I ain't happy,
I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless but
Not for long
The future is coming on.

-Gorillaz

Coachella was amazing. That will be the first part to this post. There's nothing in this world I like more than music and food and Coachella was a music overload. Seeing performers and bands that I love plus discovering new ones was a positively fantastic experience. Next year, I hope to be able to go again, it will be year 3 for me... Fantastical!

The days that follow will most likely be filled with naps and getting a lot of the great new music I discovered into my itunes. It's like homework, but the fun kind.

My favorite performances were definitely Aterciopelados, it was incredible to see a band from my country performing in front of thousands of people and rocking out as if they were hanging out in their back yard. The XX was also amazing. I caught Little Boots for a second time and she rocked my world again and B.o.B. and Tiesto surprised me with their talent and awesomeness. Then comes The Gorillaz, and I'm speechless, no words, I thought it would be so overrated but no, no, no... Amazing!



PART TWO

I wrote this while still being at the festival. It came to my mind and I had to get it down...

As he stands next to me to see one of the performers I wanted to see the most this one song plays and I believe it's going to be inevitable. The weekend with him hasn't been as easy as I expected it to be. He's hot and then he's cold. He's there and then he's not. He's not mine, I'm borrowing him.

Everyone has a breaking point and I can see the end is near, coming up right after the next corner, I'm just not sure how long this block is...

*Currently listening to Meddle by Little Boots*

Crazy Talk. Hot.

I was just told:

'You need to pounce my bones. Right now. Or never. I'm like a glass of milk. I will spoil if you leave me out too long. So get rid of loft-man and come out here and pounce my bones. Or just come over, we should be able to keep our hands off each other, or not (hopes for not). You come to me and kneel. Simple.'

Some people have crazy bravery and guts... Totally random, completely insane and I must confess, a little bit HOT.

Post data: Updates on my Coachella weekend coming up very soon...



*Currently listening to Tell Me Lies by Fleetwood Mac*

He Had A Problem. I Have A Problem.

The problem in my previous relationship is that I got fed up, I lost all patience and I started seeing things for what they were... He said he loved me and I knew it was true, but one day I saw through all the bullshit and I woke up exhausted. I couldn't put up with the jealousy and his attempts to control me anymore. I started questioning if he in fact loved me, or if he loved his idea of what I should be.

My dedication to our relationship ceased to matter to him. His accusations were more and more far fetched each day and I would find myself in awe. Eventually I didn't want to see him very often, for I knew that every time we'd see each other, there would be an argument. Sometimes, I didn't even want to talk to him. In simple terms, it sucked. He took away the magic, my desire to love him, our intimacy, and our friendship. I couldn't tell him everything anymore, sometimes he'd take things that I'd say as an opening for questioning, sometimes he'd believe something completely different from what I was telling him.

Back then, I used to think, he had turned into a monster.

And eventually, like everything else, I left.

And because life seems to be a big giant irony, I have now become that monster. And now I wonder if perhaps he was right, if perhaps I could have comforted him differently, if perhaps I could have done things in a way to keep what we had alive.

Sometimes I miss him... He was after all not just my lover and my partner but my best friend. And still, 'till this day, I think it's a shame that something so good could have been ruined by something so ridiculous.

And now, since everything is a lesson, is time for me to remember this and do things right.

Breathe in, breathe out, move on.



*Currently listening to I Can Change by LCD Soundsystem*

So, So Much

I feel so incredibly happy. So much joy, excitement, happiness... I don't want it to be interrupted, I want it to last forever, I want everyone to have a little of it, I want it to go on and on, throughout the world, from person to person. This ecstatic joy is simply fantastical.

And here's my tune to joy for the day...



And in a little part in my heart, I'm scared. I don't want this castle to crash into the ground.