I Can Give You What You Want...

Get The Rope

I was accused of having no emotions. Large accusation you fucker. I do feel.

I was accused of being too emotional. Poor observation. I just happen to care.

Which one is it? The day turned gray and the question lingered. Glass of wine in hand, I still think. I want it to make a difference and I want it to go away. Stay, but not so bitterly. I want you sweet.

This One's On Me.

I made a mistake. I told you I don't care when I obviously do. You made a mistake, you believed me.

*Currently listening to Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones*

He Likes The Movers. I Like The Shakers.

Have you ever lied to yourself? Told yourself over and over again that it's just temporary? I've told myself that. He's only for a little bit, just for now, this isn't really what I want long term. All lies. Because now I want him. But I'm stubborn and he likes coffee and I like tea. I'm impulsive and he likes pie when I like cake. I'm tenacious and he likes red when I like blue.

Impossible, yes, it is impossible... And I'm a liar.

Not Your Thoughts Here

I have a theory. This theory has belonged to many before me so I guess I'm adopting it. It's more of a belief: If you have fucked up thoughts, fucked up shit will happen. Yes, bluntly, like that.

I'm getting sick and tired of hearing people complain. They seem to have no clue just how good they have it. I hear it all the time, people I call friends walk into my home and complain. They complain about traffic, about things they need to pay for, about their jobs, about the weather, about taxes, inflation, their aches and pains, all kinds of bullshit. There are people in the world dying of hunger as I type this, there are mothers losing their children, there's abuse, there's crime, there's rape. How dare you complain?

Life is good. Love your life. Move on. There's always tomorrow and your attitude will make a difference.

I'm starting a new law at my home: If you come to bitch, stay out!

Love ya all and kisses, Happy freaking hump day!



*Currently listening to Where Did Your Heart Go Missing by Rooney*

Stay There, Everything Is The Same

I didn’t think he was handsome. I had seen him maybe a couple of times before. He seemed nice, in a way where ‘good afternoons’ and ‘how are yous’ are properly included in a conversation. I didn’t know much about him.

I must have been starved for attention. I had been alone too long. Alone by choice and unaware of my needs. I took him up on his offerings. Of all the offers...

In the morning, he laid in bed sleeping, his lips slightly parted and his body limp, a surrender to slumber. We had a long night. No love-making, you don’t make love to strangers and the technicalities weren’t there. Various forms of playfulness and pleasure, we’d been up ‘till very late. He looked different to me. In what way, I’m still not sure.

I left that space and carried on. Nothing changes; he’s not the one that will make a difference. Handsome? Yes, very handsome.

*Currently listening to I Want More by Can+

My Life Is Good...

If a tornado had visited, my home would still look much better. It's been a long, long weekend. It started on Wednesday. It's my favorite boy's birthday weekend, the talented, kind and handsome Mr. Sandoval.

I'm not complaining about the mess. I'll get up in a moment and pick things up, find a place for everything, re-establish order. Tonight will be amazing. I am not complaining. In fact, I feel grateful today, more than any other day, I have it all. I have good health, I have great friends, I have a loving family, I have Amara, I have the best sister in existence, I have a job that I really care about, I have peers that are worth my attention, I have a home, I have food, I have happiness in my life...

Lovely Saturday, Happy Life, Many Smiles... I am truly fortunate.

Amara, the queen of the universe.

*Currently listening to You Are The One by Presets*

Home On A Cloud.

I've landed on a cloud... All of the sudden, everything is blurry and I can't quite make what's going on around me. I had imagined what being on a cloud would be like... Definitely nothing like this. Perhaps this isn't a cloud, a dream? Maybe?

After searching for a long time I reached what I believed would be my final destination. Wrong. There's nothing final about this. This doesn't feel like the right place. I may have taken a wrong turn, map quest was misleading, that, or I just don't know how to follow direction.

I'm not lost, that's for sure. I have myself here, tight in a bear hug, snuggled to my consciousness, intact. What's left now than to carry on?

Patience dear magnificent one. Patience. Carry on...

*Currently listening to Amara, she purrs, she's welcoming me home*

Thank You.

This place is a mess... It appears to be that 'taking it easy' isn't good for my obsessive compulsive needs. Tomorrow, I will have to take an hour or two to put everything back to how it should be. In the mean time, I'm telling myself over and over again to let it go. Slumber, sometimes necessary.

A new discovery hit today: If I don't get the desired reaction obsession takes over. Let it go. Just let it go.

Thanksgiving isn't a Colombian tradition but as years keep bringing me a new Thanksgiving I've developed a certain glee towards this interesting Holiday. I believe we should always be thankful, I feel thankful every day. It was nice to see many people I like and do nothing for 4 days. It was nice to see my friends feeling so exuberantly lovable.

I'm thankful for my eyes, for my fingers and my home, for my family, for my friends, for my job and my good health, I'm thankful for you, I'm thankful for Amara and Pechan. I'm thankful for being alive, I'm thankful for my brain and my ability to feel. I'm thankful for tomorrow, it will come.

Goodnight and Good day, to all the people in the world, to those who read this, to you...

*Currently listening to Lebanese Blonde by Thievery Corporation*

Not my secret, but pretty awesome...

Slowly As I Move Along.

The days start moving slowly yet nothing is really slowing down. The leaves are falling off the trees but none of them are naked yet. I miss you today.

Some things I have forgotten. Some remain clear, like the methodical way you handled the newspaper as you read it in the mornings, accompanied by black coffee and sometimes a cigarette; and the way you played music loudly, always high on the volume, 'so that the soul can feel it', as you used to say.

I thought I heard you today, I adjusted the frequency and it wasn't you, there was no sound at all. I wish I had cried more, but how could I have shed any tears when I lacked sadness? I missed you even when you were around, it had become a part of us. Being distant was the only way to avoid the pain from what we knew would come.

I didn't miss your birthday this year. In the shower, as the water drenched me, I sang a little happy birthday for you. I would have had the perfect present. There is so much that you still needed to see.

You would have liked this new place. You would have liked this new chance. I should have tried harder.

I'm not sure where you are. Death is nothing that I think of often. All I know is that I miss you today. Every bit of me misses you and I can't help but wonder if I could have changed your fate, me, your favorite one.

Besitos y abrazos. Te Adoro con todo mi Corazon.

*Currently listening to Girl from Ipanema by Astrud Gilberto*