When Will Music Be Sweet Again?

Music is so painful right now, like everything else, but more, especially. Every song has a story I want to apply to us, to you, to me. How can this yearning for your love be so sharp? When do I get to smile again? When do I get to sing again?

Better yet, forget smiling and singing, when do I get to breathe again?

When?

*Currently listening to Hurricane by MS MR.

Bear Sun, Child Moon

Then I saw love disfigure me into something I am not recognizing...

*Currently listening to Song for Zula by Phosphorescent.

Ending The Funk...

I've come back to you.

Selfish and unapologetic. Because I need you. Because you soothe me.

My little blog. My little stories. Things pretend to change but they remain unmoved.

Everything is the same.

*Currently listening to Say Something by A Great Big World

Hello Again...

Hello, my long abandoned friend.

You were good to me. You were there when I was sad and when I thought my happiness would survive only if he loved me back or at all. You were there as an escape and a confident and in a strange way a guide.

It's been over a year. He and I now live together, he moved in with me almost a year ago. We've been happy. This relationship thing is not as easy as the movies make it seem. When you're dating someone and each person has their own living space, at the end of the date, or the weekend, or the few days together, each person goes home to fart, snore, eat too much, talk too little and do whatever it is that constitutes them as their own person. Once you live together that's all out the window, everything is out in the open and you start getting to know each other all over again... Sometimes what you find isn't what you expected and some moments may frighten  you, others may surprise you in lovely way, the rest of it is just the day-to-day stuff that becomes your new life, and it goes on and on and on...

We're happy. But it hasn't been rainbows and show tunes and sparkles.

I should start from the beginning, or the end of the relationship we had which lead us to now, the present, the ever-evolving continuation of this story.

I stopped seeing him. I hated him and loved him and hated myself and all that stuff that you already know. As the days passed I started feeling peace. I felt energized and happy and sociable and I was me again, not that pathetic, whiny, weak person I had become. And yet he came into my life again and he was persistent and he said he'd made a mistake and he wanted to make things right, he wanted to show me, he wanted this for him and if I wanted it too, which I did, he wanted to show me it could work, and that he'd put in all the work needed to make it, at least as much as one person can, in a relationship made by two.

The beginning was rocky. I didn't trust him and I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing but I did know I loved him, like I love him now and like I've loved him for a very long time. And every day he held on, even when I would question myself, question him, question us. Every day I reminded myself that he was a bonus to the good life and the many fortunes I have.

.
The ride has been sweet but this journey's not over. Sometimes I want to smack him in the head when he leaves the toilet seat up and I'm sure my driving makes him want to punch kittens and there are Thursdays when we don't agree what the plan for the upcoming weekend should be and he likes hot showers and I like them cold and there's so much to synchronize but so much  hope and so many plans it's fascinating.

The best thing yet: I'm okay, more than just okay. I can do anything, be anywhere, everything is really great. He's the bonus and there's so much goodness and I'm so thankful and proud and excited and full.

It's bliss

*Currently listening to Apartment by Young The Giant*

Hello There - It's Been A While

I haven't started a new blog. I haven't been writing.

For a while, I didn't write because I really didn't have anything new to say. It felt like my head, my life, was going around in circles and nothing new would take place. I felt the same things every day: Pain, betrayal, disappointment, discouragement, anger... I was in a bad place.

Eventually things started to shift around and letting go of some emotions and people and habits allowed for better emotions, people and habits to come into my life. The saying is true, you must discard some bad to make room for good.

This new arrangement works better for me.

Then I didn't write because it seems that I write much better when I'm sad... Whoa, looking back and reading this blog I've found there was a lot of sadness going on.

Everything passes. Everything changes. Nothing stays the same forever.

I saw one of my ex-boyfriends on Friday. He was my first boyfriend, when we were young and naive (yes, more naive than I am now), when I wasn't skeptical, when I thought it would last forever. Hugging him was like being home again, but a home from a long time ago. Not home now. He's married now, and he has a child and he's happy, and I felt nothing but happiness for him and it made me feel great to know that things work out and there's a master plan that we're not aware of and we're all just characters in a story so mesmerizing and complex that we don't grasp everything all the time.

I'm okay. I feel the best I have in a very long time. And this time, I have hope, but not on someone else, I feel hope for myself, I feel like I can trust myself, I know that if I walk I wont fall. Stumbling wont hurt me, it will always be okay.

 some people are really cool

*Currently listening to 40 Day Dream by Edward Sharpe & His Magnetic Zeros*

Time To Move On...

My random thoughts will be moving to another blog. I love this one but I feel like I need a fresh start. There was too much going on here.

If you'd like to follow, please shoot me an email and I will reply with the new url.

I'm ready for the fun times. Are you?

     

 This one goes out to someone real special ;)

One Step At A Time

I guess it all starts with knowing what you want. Half of the time I don't really know what it is, but I do know my life needs a change.

I want to travel. I want to go to New York and Chicago and Boston and New Orleans and Seattle. I want to visit Costa Rica and Argentina and Cuba. I want to spend a month in Europe, hopping between countries, staying at small hotels, eating everywhere, smiling a lot. I want to go to Thailand, and Japan, and Australia...

I want to move to New York. I love Los Angeles but I think I need a change. I need to walk the streets of Manhattan and surround myself by the hundreds of people that walk such streets every day.

I want an apartment in Miami, I want an apartment in New York and I want to spend a month in Colombia during the holidays every year.

I want BluShoppe to become something already. I have neglected BluShoppe and it was my baby. I need to get back on track.

I want to own a Cafe and a Boutique and in the office I'll run all my BluShoppe affairs. I'll work hard and be so happy to see that my businesses are successful and I've done it for myself.

I want to buy a new beach cruiser and go to the beach to ride my bike every weekend like I used to do. My ipod, my bike, the ocean breeze and me.

I want to be in a happy relationship. I do want a partner. I want someone who will adore me. I want someone who will listen and who will always be honest. He will love my pets but not have any of his own, he must love music, he must love food and exploring new things and traveling and he will be dedicated and positive and healthy and handsome...

I'm working on this list of what I want... I want to be blissfully happy.

 

I'm going on vacation... :)

*Currently listening to Intuition by Feist*

What You Got For Me?

Somebody said to me: 'Looking at things in a practical way, it makes no sense for you to be hung up on him at all. He didn't give you what you wanted emotionally, romantically or physically, he made you sad and according to you, he never cared. You may not be able to get it all from someone else immediately, but you know there are guys who want to be with you in one way or another... So being practical, the route to take would be to move on and meet your needs elsewhere.'

Yeah... My emotions aren't practical at all... But maybe it's time to give practicality a chance. 

I want to have some fun. At least that, for now.

*Currently listening to Leave House by Caribou*

Cook That Smile Up

My mood is tied to everything, to my desire to cook, to my choice in music, to what I feel like doing...

In the last couple of days, my mind has been exploding with recipes I want to try out. I want to cook up a storm and have my friends over for lunches and dinners... There's a summer salad recipe, a barbecue pulled pork recipe, a roulade, spicy grilled corn salad... So many possibilities.

When I'm feeling happy, I want to cook! I want to get in the kitchen and make a delicious mess and open a bottle of wine and chat with my guests while I chop away!

It's the summer time and life is starting to look sunny again! Time to do some cooking!

*Currently listening to The High Road by Broken Bells*

Hello, I'm Little Magnificent.

It has finally happened.

I think it's too soon to say I'm over him. That's definitely not the case. And perhaps it would be premature to state that the memories of him wont make me sad ever again... They probably will. After-all, he made me feel rejected, insecure, used, sometimes even ridiculous... But now I can also look back and see that there was a lot of good too... There were times when he was so tender it would melt my heart, times when he was so passionate it would light me up on fire, times when he was so involved I thought it would all work out...

The beauty of it all is that it was what it had to be and I'm finally letting go. I feel good. I feel good with myself. I feel good about the future.

Today, I have smiled all day. I have the urgent desire to do things for myself, things that will make me happy, to once again be involved and star in this extraordinary film, my life.

I was lost and now I'm found. It's not too soon to say that. It's not too soon to feel happiness again. And this happiness has not stemmed from him, it's all mine, a little ray of sunshine beaming strongly, working its way to fill me up once more... I can feel the void in me slowly disapearing, it's being filled with self-love, I can feel myself coming into place again... I know it's going to take some time for me to heal completely but I'm happy, I can truly say I'm happy. It IS going to be okay... For a while there I didn't believe it...

My heart is not dead. I am alive! ♥

The Irony...

*Currently listening to Dead Hearts by Stars*

No More Counting

I'm just wondering at what point it gets better... At what point will my thoughts be free of him? When will the pain just go away?

It has been 13 days since I decided to leave him but only 1 since the decision was a complete reality... I had still been holding on to some hope... While we were together, I thought my love would be enough for both of us... When we were apart, I still thought my love would be enough for both of us.. It never was.

I don't want anything else but to be me again... I want to erase him. I want to not miss him. I want to think that it wasn't me.

 Flowers are like relationships, eventually, they die.

*Currently listening to Your Ex-lover Is Dead by Stars*

The End...

Of him and I... Now, all there's left is to pick myself up, try to keep myself together and move on... I'm trying.

He doesn't want her but he just wont let her go...

It wasn't a big fight, it was all the little dissapointments and lies and empty promises.

*Currently listening to The Big Fight by Stars (and trying to stop crying)*

Day Number Something...

I'm trying to deal things as best as possible.

I really must give some huge thanks to my friends. They've been so supportive. I mean, it's not like I'm terminally ill or my home caught fire... But to me, it's been like a tragedy and they've been by my side holding my hand each and every day, listening to every single rambling sentence that has come out of my mouth, handing me the Kleenex box when needed, bringing over candy, movies, booze...

Dinner with friends, drinks with friends, shopping with friends, friends at my house visiting, friends calling, friends text messaging... They all say the same: It will get better. They've all been in this situation before, they all understand...

I'm so lucky to have them. I know I'm going to be okay. I just wish I could delete him completely and as soon as possible. I wish it was as simple as deleting his number from my cellphone...

It shall pass, and in the meantime, at least I'm not alone, I never will be.

*Currently listening Stand Strong by Nneka*

Day 5?

It took for someone to point out that I was being a tad over-dramatic and for a friend to tell me that I just really need to pull my head out of my ass to realize that something has to change.

Okay, he lied to me, fucked me over and left. Yeah... There were also good things about him, about us and about him in regards to me. Whatever happened, happened and it's in the past, nothing to do about it now. If I'm going to move on to being happy, I just need to let this all go.

I've emailed back and forth with him hundreds of times, yes, hundreds. I keep talking about him to whomever will listen. I drive myself crazy with thoughts of different scenarios and this and that and what it could have been and what it is and at this point, the truth of the matter is that I don't even know what's up any more.

I did do my best and now my best is being tainted by my own actions, by my inability to carry on, by my lack of strength in regards to this situation. I had never experience anything like this and I didn't know how to act or what to do. And now, looking back, I was acting like a fool. It's time for me to gather myself and accept that it was what it had to be and I'm okay. I'm going to be great. It's going to be fine.

Happiness belongs to those who want it. I was too busy feeling miserable and almost started enjoying it... Happiness is much better.

I walked to work today and it felt great. I feel good. It's going to be okay.

*Currently listening to Sunshine by Atmosphere*

Father's Day

Some days are hard for me. Father's Day is one of them. I try not to think of it but it's kind of impossible with all the messages and stuff going on everywhere... Plus I do have my Stepfather, a blessing, so I do celebrate him, at least I have that. I'm fortunate to have that.

When I was a little kid, I would make cards for my Dad for Father's Day. I once made him an ashtray, another time a picture frame, one year a tie. He would receive every present with a huge big, smile, he would give me a great, big, bear hug and he'd tell me he loved it. He would use it in whatever way it was appropriate and he'd act joyous to have me, grateful for whatever silly thing I had made, it was fantastic. Looking back, now I realize that's where my love and excitement to give presents and to plot surprises for people comes from. I'd feel so happy from his happiness... The joy of giving, that's where it started.

Later on as I grew old, we discovered a new connection through music. Every Father's Day, I would look for new ways to get my hands on hard-to-get albums he'd love. I would make mixed tapes, spend hours compiling music lists, memorizing lyrics, understanding musical patterns so I could discuss them with him. I now realize that's where my joy of giving music comes from...

I danced my first Salsa with my Father, smoked my first cigarette with my Father, had my first scotch with my Father and it was he who told me men lie and one day I would meet one that would never lie to me because I was going to be his star. I would be his 'Pequeña Magnífica', his Little Magnificent.

I don't hate Father's Day. I just miss my Father. I miss him so much. And today, I miss him more than ever. I wish he was here to tell me something to make me feel better. I wish I could talk to him on the phone or hug him or listen to music together while we share a scotch and talk about the world cup... I wish he was here to make it all alright.

I'm surrounded by people but I feel so lonely. I lost my Dad, I lost my Grandma, I lost love and now I feel like I've also lost myself... I'm trying to stay as strong as possible but sometimes I falter.

Just a little bit more. I know I just have to hang on just a little bit more.

Feliz Día Papá. Te Amo. Te Adoro.

Day 3 - I'm That Stupid. Yes.

I was having a pretty good day. First day of not crying and actually getting out of bed. I had brunch with a good friend and we went to The Getty and then for sushi and then for a bit of shopping... It was so nice to vent and have her listen to me and I was starting to feel like I would be okay. Like I actually wouldn't let things get to me anymore. I was deleting the multiple emails I received from him and I felt like I was getting stronger, like the pain was slowly easing up its grip on me.

Then, I got home and in a moment of sheer stupidity I read one of his emails... He said he missed me so much he was considering cutting his trip short... For a second, I felt tiny bit of hope, and just like that, a couple of minutes later, I read what he'd posted for his brother: That he's having so much fun in Brazil... Everything, always, a lie. I get nothing but lies.

He has the power to hurt me over and over again. Even miles and miles away... Now, I'm back to tears, back to that horrible pain...

I'm glad he's so far away. I'll probably never hate him but I sure don't want to love him at all. I knew I was doing right by not believing him and I hate myself for feeling hope, even if for a second, even if it is wrong.

No more emails. There will be no phone calls or visits or anything else.

Asshole.

*Currently in silence, I can't stand sound of any kind*

Day 3 - Accepting What It Is

He once told me it was as if I had reset my emotions. This was back when I wasn't his girlfriend but one of the many ladies he had around. I had told myself that being one of many wasn't what I wanted so we stopped talking for a bit. When I saw him again, I felt like we could be just friends. He asked me out to dinner and I said yes, and because I was so into him before, it didn't take much for him to work his magic and we ended up together again. It was that easy.

This time, I want to not only reset my emotions but to completely get over him. I'm not taking any chances. I'm not going to see him. I'm not going to talk to him. It's over. It was over the minute he decide to leave. I'm glad he left. I would have run back to him.

In a way, this is the first good thing he does for me. He was never going to change his ways. I was never going to be the only one. He didn't love me like I wanted to be loved.

There's no other road to take. It really is over.

*Currently listening to Amara snore, the house is quiet, it's nice*

Day 2.

Meh...

I slept. I went to bed at 2am and woke up at 7am. That's good. It's the most sleep I've had all week. I was hoping to be able to sleep in but it doesn't look like it's going to happen without the help of some Advil PM.

The pain is still there, and also that little bit of anger. I wish the anger was greater than the pain. I wish it was greater than the love too. I shouldn't love him. He didn't love me. I keep telling myself that over and over again. 

He's been emailing me. I haven't opened the emails. I don't want to read them. As soon as they come in, I get rid of them. I don't want any more lies. I may even believe them. I've believed so many.

I want to sleep it all away.

I just took some Advil PM. Now I wait...

*Currently listening to They Wont Find Tears On Our Bodies by Dance at the Post Office*

Don't Stop. Don't Smell The Flowers.

You expect to get flowers from your boyfriend because he loves you and he just wants to remind you that he cares and he's thinking of you. That's sweet.

I have received flowers from him twice. Both times because he did something wrong.

My father used to do that. He'd leave on a Friday night, come back home on a Tuesday, smelling of other women but always with a present for my mother. Diamonds, coats, electronics, once a car. She'd act undignified and argue with him, a couple of hours later he'd sing her a pretty song and make her laugh, the day would end with us all at the dinner table, pretending to be a happy family, laughing, sharing our time and love with each other. Everything would be fine until he'd do it again. They were married for 16 years and towards the end, I didn't understand why she'd accept it... 'Love makes you do crazy things', she'd say.

I don't want to be in love with him any more.

I have discovered anger in my heart towards him for the very first time today. Hurray, I'll take that for now.

*Currently listening to Meaningless Love by Under The Influence of Giants*

Day One

I have 10 days. That’s the way I see it. I have 10 days to get over him.

Women have been going through heartbreaks for centuries. You would think there’s a formula somewhere, some guide to pull you through it, some list of tricks you use to get over it faster.

Keeping busy sounds like the only thing that may help right now but all I really want to do is sleep and sit in the dark trying to figure out what went wrong. I know what went wrong though, he just didn’t love me. But why? Why wasn’t my love enough for the both of us? I made many mistakes... I know I did. Maybe it was all that...

He didn’t choose me. I once thought he had. I was wrong. I was always wrong when it came to him.

I just wish I didn’t love him. I want the pain to go away.

I want to sleep, and in my dreams I want it to be perfect, him and I together laughing over something silly, cuddling in bed… I love the way he smiles and how he smells and how deep his eyes feel.

I want to rip my heart out. Being awake is just plain painful. I hate myself for loving him. As simple as that.

Day one and the only good thing is my family and my friends, they are the only force keeping me on foot when I just want to lay down and never, ever get up again.

Day one. Please let it be done with soon.

Yep, I almost feel bad for men...

You were the lesson I had to learn,

I was the fortress you had to burn.

- Madonna

*Currently listening to The Power of Goodbye by Madonna*