The End...

Of him and I... Now, all there's left is to pick myself up, try to keep myself together and move on... I'm trying.

He doesn't want her but he just wont let her go...

It wasn't a big fight, it was all the little dissapointments and lies and empty promises.

*Currently listening to The Big Fight by Stars (and trying to stop crying)*

Day Number Something...

I'm trying to deal things as best as possible.

I really must give some huge thanks to my friends. They've been so supportive. I mean, it's not like I'm terminally ill or my home caught fire... But to me, it's been like a tragedy and they've been by my side holding my hand each and every day, listening to every single rambling sentence that has come out of my mouth, handing me the Kleenex box when needed, bringing over candy, movies, booze...

Dinner with friends, drinks with friends, shopping with friends, friends at my house visiting, friends calling, friends text messaging... They all say the same: It will get better. They've all been in this situation before, they all understand...

I'm so lucky to have them. I know I'm going to be okay. I just wish I could delete him completely and as soon as possible. I wish it was as simple as deleting his number from my cellphone...

It shall pass, and in the meantime, at least I'm not alone, I never will be.

*Currently listening Stand Strong by Nneka*

Day 5?

It took for someone to point out that I was being a tad over-dramatic and for a friend to tell me that I just really need to pull my head out of my ass to realize that something has to change.

Okay, he lied to me, fucked me over and left. Yeah... There were also good things about him, about us and about him in regards to me. Whatever happened, happened and it's in the past, nothing to do about it now. If I'm going to move on to being happy, I just need to let this all go.

I've emailed back and forth with him hundreds of times, yes, hundreds. I keep talking about him to whomever will listen. I drive myself crazy with thoughts of different scenarios and this and that and what it could have been and what it is and at this point, the truth of the matter is that I don't even know what's up any more.

I did do my best and now my best is being tainted by my own actions, by my inability to carry on, by my lack of strength in regards to this situation. I had never experience anything like this and I didn't know how to act or what to do. And now, looking back, I was acting like a fool. It's time for me to gather myself and accept that it was what it had to be and I'm okay. I'm going to be great. It's going to be fine.

Happiness belongs to those who want it. I was too busy feeling miserable and almost started enjoying it... Happiness is much better.

I walked to work today and it felt great. I feel good. It's going to be okay.

*Currently listening to Sunshine by Atmosphere*

Father's Day

Some days are hard for me. Father's Day is one of them. I try not to think of it but it's kind of impossible with all the messages and stuff going on everywhere... Plus I do have my Stepfather, a blessing, so I do celebrate him, at least I have that. I'm fortunate to have that.

When I was a little kid, I would make cards for my Dad for Father's Day. I once made him an ashtray, another time a picture frame, one year a tie. He would receive every present with a huge big, smile, he would give me a great, big, bear hug and he'd tell me he loved it. He would use it in whatever way it was appropriate and he'd act joyous to have me, grateful for whatever silly thing I had made, it was fantastic. Looking back, now I realize that's where my love and excitement to give presents and to plot surprises for people comes from. I'd feel so happy from his happiness... The joy of giving, that's where it started.

Later on as I grew old, we discovered a new connection through music. Every Father's Day, I would look for new ways to get my hands on hard-to-get albums he'd love. I would make mixed tapes, spend hours compiling music lists, memorizing lyrics, understanding musical patterns so I could discuss them with him. I now realize that's where my joy of giving music comes from...

I danced my first Salsa with my Father, smoked my first cigarette with my Father, had my first scotch with my Father and it was he who told me men lie and one day I would meet one that would never lie to me because I was going to be his star. I would be his 'Pequeña Magnífica', his Little Magnificent.

I don't hate Father's Day. I just miss my Father. I miss him so much. And today, I miss him more than ever. I wish he was here to tell me something to make me feel better. I wish I could talk to him on the phone or hug him or listen to music together while we share a scotch and talk about the world cup... I wish he was here to make it all alright.

I'm surrounded by people but I feel so lonely. I lost my Dad, I lost my Grandma, I lost love and now I feel like I've also lost myself... I'm trying to stay as strong as possible but sometimes I falter.

Just a little bit more. I know I just have to hang on just a little bit more.

Feliz Día Papá. Te Amo. Te Adoro.

Day 3 - I'm That Stupid. Yes.

I was having a pretty good day. First day of not crying and actually getting out of bed. I had brunch with a good friend and we went to The Getty and then for sushi and then for a bit of shopping... It was so nice to vent and have her listen to me and I was starting to feel like I would be okay. Like I actually wouldn't let things get to me anymore. I was deleting the multiple emails I received from him and I felt like I was getting stronger, like the pain was slowly easing up its grip on me.

Then, I got home and in a moment of sheer stupidity I read one of his emails... He said he missed me so much he was considering cutting his trip short... For a second, I felt tiny bit of hope, and just like that, a couple of minutes later, I read what he'd posted for his brother: That he's having so much fun in Brazil... Everything, always, a lie. I get nothing but lies.

He has the power to hurt me over and over again. Even miles and miles away... Now, I'm back to tears, back to that horrible pain...

I'm glad he's so far away. I'll probably never hate him but I sure don't want to love him at all. I knew I was doing right by not believing him and I hate myself for feeling hope, even if for a second, even if it is wrong.

No more emails. There will be no phone calls or visits or anything else.

Asshole.

*Currently in silence, I can't stand sound of any kind*

Day 3 - Accepting What It Is

He once told me it was as if I had reset my emotions. This was back when I wasn't his girlfriend but one of the many ladies he had around. I had told myself that being one of many wasn't what I wanted so we stopped talking for a bit. When I saw him again, I felt like we could be just friends. He asked me out to dinner and I said yes, and because I was so into him before, it didn't take much for him to work his magic and we ended up together again. It was that easy.

This time, I want to not only reset my emotions but to completely get over him. I'm not taking any chances. I'm not going to see him. I'm not going to talk to him. It's over. It was over the minute he decide to leave. I'm glad he left. I would have run back to him.

In a way, this is the first good thing he does for me. He was never going to change his ways. I was never going to be the only one. He didn't love me like I wanted to be loved.

There's no other road to take. It really is over.

*Currently listening to Amara snore, the house is quiet, it's nice*

Day 2.

Meh...

I slept. I went to bed at 2am and woke up at 7am. That's good. It's the most sleep I've had all week. I was hoping to be able to sleep in but it doesn't look like it's going to happen without the help of some Advil PM.

The pain is still there, and also that little bit of anger. I wish the anger was greater than the pain. I wish it was greater than the love too. I shouldn't love him. He didn't love me. I keep telling myself that over and over again. 

He's been emailing me. I haven't opened the emails. I don't want to read them. As soon as they come in, I get rid of them. I don't want any more lies. I may even believe them. I've believed so many.

I want to sleep it all away.

I just took some Advil PM. Now I wait...

*Currently listening to They Wont Find Tears On Our Bodies by Dance at the Post Office*

Don't Stop. Don't Smell The Flowers.

You expect to get flowers from your boyfriend because he loves you and he just wants to remind you that he cares and he's thinking of you. That's sweet.

I have received flowers from him twice. Both times because he did something wrong.

My father used to do that. He'd leave on a Friday night, come back home on a Tuesday, smelling of other women but always with a present for my mother. Diamonds, coats, electronics, once a car. She'd act undignified and argue with him, a couple of hours later he'd sing her a pretty song and make her laugh, the day would end with us all at the dinner table, pretending to be a happy family, laughing, sharing our time and love with each other. Everything would be fine until he'd do it again. They were married for 16 years and towards the end, I didn't understand why she'd accept it... 'Love makes you do crazy things', she'd say.

I don't want to be in love with him any more.

I have discovered anger in my heart towards him for the very first time today. Hurray, I'll take that for now.

*Currently listening to Meaningless Love by Under The Influence of Giants*

Day One

I have 10 days. That’s the way I see it. I have 10 days to get over him.

Women have been going through heartbreaks for centuries. You would think there’s a formula somewhere, some guide to pull you through it, some list of tricks you use to get over it faster.

Keeping busy sounds like the only thing that may help right now but all I really want to do is sleep and sit in the dark trying to figure out what went wrong. I know what went wrong though, he just didn’t love me. But why? Why wasn’t my love enough for the both of us? I made many mistakes... I know I did. Maybe it was all that...

He didn’t choose me. I once thought he had. I was wrong. I was always wrong when it came to him.

I just wish I didn’t love him. I want the pain to go away.

I want to sleep, and in my dreams I want it to be perfect, him and I together laughing over something silly, cuddling in bed… I love the way he smiles and how he smells and how deep his eyes feel.

I want to rip my heart out. Being awake is just plain painful. I hate myself for loving him. As simple as that.

Day one and the only good thing is my family and my friends, they are the only force keeping me on foot when I just want to lay down and never, ever get up again.

Day one. Please let it be done with soon.

Yep, I almost feel bad for men...

You were the lesson I had to learn,

I was the fortress you had to burn.

- Madonna

*Currently listening to The Power of Goodbye by Madonna*

There Is No Keeping It Together

I can't shake off the sadness. I have repeatedly told myself not to be sad. I said I'd refuse to be sad. I want to pull through this in a smooth, silky-like movement... I guess it doesn't work out that way.

I just don't understand.

I was once told I'm naive. I must be. I believed it would work out.

Can somebody please explain to me why it didn't? I just don't get it.

I don't get it at all. All I wanted was him and now all I want is for all this pain to go away. I want to stop crying. I want to move on. I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved like I love him. I want it to be over, all of it, this that I feel for him, the confusion, the questions.

What I had to offer didn't fill up his cup but my cup was full anyway. Now it's all empty. Everything feels empty.

If I could just sleep through it, if I could just understand, if I could just go back in time...

*Currently listening to They Won't Find Tears On Our Bodies by Dance At The Post Office*

Love Letters. Hilarious.

Being a woman, hating periods and understanding exactly how it feels, I thought this letter was brilliant... It was sent to me by my boss, apparently it was awarded 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.... Enjoy!

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,


I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.


Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills’. Isn't the human body amazing?


As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!


The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'


Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.


For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?


Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .


Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

*Currently listening to Modern Art by Art Brut*

Miscellaneous

The Doggy

He's only been with us for a couple of days and already we are in love. He had a vet visit yesterday, the vet said he is healthy, approximately 3 years old, he's not neutered and it seems like he's had a good life so far. We discovered that he's potty trained and pretty disciplined, he 'stays', 'sits' and he loves peeing in every single bush and sleeping next to someone, making body contact.

I look at him, and I just can't understand how anyone could leave such a cute little fellow tied to a light post on a street on a cool night, in downtown Los Angeles. I just don't get it.

I'm glad he's with us, I'm glad he found us, I'm glad we found him!

Unhappy People

I received an email today. It was a 'warning' from someone who is obviously in disagreement with my relationship with my boyfriend. It was an anonymous message. It was rude, unnecessary and completely out of place.

None of my friends would have sent it. It was all too close and personally having to do with my boyfriend and not with me. This person also emailed him. He told me all about it. This is someone on his side, not mine. This is someone who is upset, maybe hurt? I don't care.

Here's the thing: I know he's not perfect. I'm not perfect. But we've decided to stick it out and make it work and give it a try. We are happy. We ARE happy. It may not always be happiness, it may end soon, it may last a very long time. For now, it is what it is and we love it, we are enjoying each other's company, making plans, sharing great moments and taking things one day at a time. It feel like everything is falling into place. I'm happy.

Whoever it is, thanks for your message but please leave us alone. You may be unhappy and I wish you happiness, from the bottom of my heart, I really do. Good luck to you.


Good Women Doing Bad Things?

I came across something quite interesting... There's this married woman who sent this guy I know pictures of herself in lingerie... She sends him provocative text messages, sometimes provocative emails, on ocassion leaves provocative comments on his facebook page... Now here's the thing: She's married.

I don't mean to be judgmental. We all do things sometimes that are not morally ethical. I'm not sure what her situation is. But I do wonder... Is she unhappy in her marriage? Is she in need of attention? Is she bored?

It's kind of sad. I've been there before, I was with someone I cared for but I wasn't getting everything I wanted so I'd entertain myself in other various ways.

At what point do you actually cross the line and do wrong? At what point do you decide to go back to the ethical road and do the right thing? Who decides what the right thing is anyway?

I sure don't know. All I know is that after being the victim of somebody else's lies, I know I never want to be in that position again and I don't wish to put anyone through it either. Hopefully that will be my path and nothing will change it.

Read It - I Loved It

A lesson in feminism - An important question, what's too much? What's too little? What makes all the difference?

*Currently listening to One Headlight by The Wallflowers*

The Story of Totoro

I've been talking about wanting a puppy... I told the boyfriend to get one, to get one so I could visit the puppy at all times and love the puppy like I love him, like I love my baby, like I love my family.

Yesterday, my sister sends me a text message saying she'd met a guy who wants to get rid of his dog. This is a cute little mini dog. The cutest thing. I immediately told her we should keep him. The boyfriend said it was probably not a good idea, my sister carried on with her work day and the thought was put on hold. At midnight, I was at the boyfriend's when I received a frantic call from my sister; the guy who was dog-sitting for the doggy, had dropped him off at some guy's apartment and the owner was out of town and not really concerned. The dog owner said he was considering to just get rid of the dog altogether... Pretty much, to make a long, sad story short, the guy told my sister to go get the dog or it would be left out on the street...

My sister wanted my advice on what to do, and although my first instinct was to tell her to go get the dog, the story sounded shady and I was concerned for her safety so I told her to call Animal Control or the local authorities and wait 'till the morning. An hour later I called my sister again, she was crying hysterically and I thought something had gone terribly wrong. It turned out to be she decided to take no chances and go see where the dog was at, when she arrived at the address given to her, she found the pup, tied to a light pole, shivering, crying out on the street. She picked him up and needless to say, we now have a new member in our family.

Totoro Fluferina González will be loved by three Moms, will now have 2 homes and will have plenty of love and care to fill him up for all his life. I'm proud of my sister, against all advice and following her gut, she did something amazing. I'm proud to call her my sister and words can not express how happy I feel for the way everything played out. Totoro will be happy and we're happy to have him.

Hurray for love and for people as good hearted as my sis. I'm truly lucky to have such greatness in my life!

*Currently listening to Hello, Good Night by The Aquabats*

Not Bad But Not Okay.

I'm not sure what it was or how it happened... I had managed to stay cold/flu-free for a good few months, and all of the sudden, my body aches and my throat is sore and I feel like I need to run to bed and stay there before I actually get sick, really sick, like I did earlier this year.

It's also pretty interesting how when I'm feeling sick I don't care about anything else. I just want to sleep. I don't want food, I don't need company, I could care less if there was a shoe sale or if the best party in the world was about to take place... It's also known that when I want to party, no illness can stop me. But right now, I don't care. I want my room, my pjs and my bed. Period.

What I also want is to wake up tomorrow and feel fantastic. Tomorrow , the beginning of the weekend, no time to be feeling like crap!

 Completely unrelated, Totally cute

*Currently listening to Love Lost by Temper Trap, I was supposed to go see them today :( *

Sleeping Or Not - It Doesn't Even Matter.

At around 11 o'clock last night, he told me he had just woken up from a nap. He could have been napping, why not? I've done so before, when I get home from an exhausting day and all I want to do is sleep. He could have been sleeping. He likes to sleep... But in my mind he wasn't sleeping. In my mind he wasn't home. In my mind, he was somewhere else with someone else.

I didn't use to be like this. I didn't understand what all the fuss was about. I didn't understand why people would feel jealousy or why, if they did, they would be with someone they couldn't trust. Prior to him, I didn't understand what being in love was either. I didn't grasp the concept of loving someone so much that your standards mean little and your code of acceptable behavior becomes a flexible ruler. I couldn't imagine wanting to be with one single person all the time or how everything all of the sudden becomes brighter, music more melodious, the aromas sweeter, the food tastier, simply, everything better when that person is around.

He's changed everything.

I fell in love with a man who loved his freedom and all the ladies. He said I was the only one. He said he didn't believe in labels or commitment but I was the only person he was seeing. It was a lie. There were others, and not just one or two. There were several. And then there were his apologies and his promises and his desire to commit to me, now, it almost feels like the end-result of an ultimatum and I can't help to wonder if he would have made all those offers had he not got caught in so many lies and all his deceit... Perhaps I would still be trusting and loving him blindly and he'd still be seeing me and the others too. 

I fell in love and I got my heart broken. I was quick to trust, quick to love, quick to believe. The signs were all there. I should have ran the second he said he didn't want a commitment. I should have ran when I offered him so much and I was getting so little.

He used to say he had been napping. But he hadn't, most likely not. Most likely then, he was with any one of them. I always believed everything he said.

He's done everything perfectly in the last few weeks. He's been with me in every way, he's been attentive, he's been available, he's been committed. He makes plans for the future and introduced me to some of his family and friends, he's shown that he cares, he says he's so in love. Yet still, it's not enough. Because in the back of my mind, there's always the reminder of what he did. It's not on him anymore. I can't trust him. I can't let go. That's on me.

I feel like everything happened out of sequence. We barely knew each other and I gave myself to him. I lied to myself about what I wanted until I realized I was in too deep. He took advantage of how devoted I was and how much I wanted to offer. And now, when we're finally on the same page, it's too late.

He was probably napping last night. But the 4 hours spent in mortifying concern felt like 4 days and my mind wandered through every negative path... How many more times can I live through that? How is that healthy? How is that fair to him or to me?

He was probably just napping but to me, it felt like the end of the world.He was or he wasn't and the bottom line is that I don't want to have to wonder what the truth is.

I have two options and the first one, letting go, the one I was hoping to be able to take, hasn't paved into a walkable road. Every time I've tried taking that route there's been a detour, back to the same old, dark street, back into doubt and worry. The second option was to leave him. He can't fix this, we can't go back in time. I can't do this to him or me anymore.

It feels like I can't breathe and I can't see. I can already feel the void. It feels like I have to hold myself together. I've had plenty of practice keeping a straight face. I'll pull through it. This is not be the first time... I thought I would die before, I know I wont. I wish I could sleep through it all and wake up and be cured, for this that I feel doesn't seem like a pleasant trance but like a venomous spell that has made me sick. I wish I could fix it and stay with him forever. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and find him smiling by my side.

Sleeping or not... It doesn't matter.

*Currently not listening to anything, I'm scared of the music, I'm scared of anything that might make me think of him*

I Could Care Enough To Take A Walk. Away.

It's still. It's passed midnight and I'm still awake. I should be sleeping... It's hard to concentrate when these thoughts are fucking with my head... It was a good weekend, yes, it was. It was his birthday, and my sister's and they were both happy, I was happy. I had good dinners and good fun, watched a movie, saw a show, planned and enjoyed a great party, gifted my loved ones with things that made them happy. It was good.

Life is what you make it out to be. The choices I make are on me and I am responsible for my own happiness...

I keep going back and forth and no matter how great things appear to be, there's always something in the back of my head that keeps nagging, keeps tugging and keeps telling me that all this good is just for show... When you've been lied to and when your feelings have relentlessly been played with, it's hard to just let go.

A good friend once told me: 'You will forgive and forget and be able to move on one day, but it will take compassion and that comes deep from within the heart'. Compassion... Might I have none of it?

My choice, my choice. I really just want to be blissfully happy. In the words of a dinosaur: 'To live free and with a sense of urgency'.

Good night world. I will see you all tomorrow.

*Currently listening to Joosy Froot by Jared Mees and The Grown Children'