Time To Quit.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. I think it’s bullshit to wait for a year to be over to do something that you probably should get on immediately. No resolutions for me. I’m keeping it real.

I would like to stop smoking. I’ve never committed to it because I knew I wasn’t ready. I’m ready now. I can feel it. I have a pack with me; it has about 4 cigarettes left. Trial time, will I want to smoke those?

Quitting is important. Smoking isn’t the only thing I should quit.

'Cover the path to the heart
Don’t let those footholds start
And don’t let no one in
Cause they never got you and you never got them'.
-They Never Got You, Spoon.

*Currently listening to Bernadette by The Four Tops*

Melting. Just A Little Bit.

Last Night, after being out with one of my best friends and arriving to an empty home, I had a little bit of a melt down.

I’m soon going to turn 30. I’ve pushed the one man who loved me unconditionally away from me. I run from commitment. I’m scared of vulnerabilities. I’m inadequate when it comes to feeling. I’m practical and non-conventional when it comes to love affairs. I’m every man’s dream when it comes to a woman to have a fling with, but at the end of the day, I’m alone.

I have great people around me. I have friends, real friends. There's love coming my way. I have a fun, interesting life. I have a career, I have a job, I have good health and I have a caring, fulfilling family... I even have a cute pet to go with all of it... Somehow last night, it wasn't enough.

I felt the loneliness last night. I felt it and I melted, just a little bit.

San Andres, Colombia - Where I'd love to be right now.

*Currently listening to No One’s Gonna Love You by Band of Horses*

To Know Is A Start.

I know what I want in a man…

He’s a gentleman. He opens doors and takes your coat and walks you from the car to the door when he drops you off after a date. He’ll valet so you never have to walk in the pretty heels you decide to wear at any given time and he always compliments how good you look and smell.

He’s smooth, he’s modest but he knows just how good looking, bright and sharp he is. He’s very intelligent but he’s good with small talk and easy conversation even though he’s capable of talking about pretty much anything.

He knows and loves to dance, read, cook and he’s into sports. He’s talented with his hands, in every way. He’s passionate about good music, good films and good love making.

He’s successful but never cocky, he’s independent but not arrogant, he’s strong but not macho. He’s a tender-at-heart rock that will be sturdy in any time of need.

He's loyal and has a great sense of humor, slightly sarcastic, always timely. He's a family man, he's good to his friends, he's considerate with his peers and he's thoughtful, generous and kind. He loves animals, especially cats, he's clean, organized, well groomed and he always smells amazing.

He listens, he smiles and one look will leave you in a daze.

Every man in the world should take lessons from him on how to be a man.

... That will do for now...

*Currently listening to Puttin' On The Ritz by Ella Fitzgerald*

Slip. Whenever.

I'm not sure what his name is, in fact, I'm not even sure he told me what it was... He wanted me to guess what his background is. I told him I didn't play guessing games. I do love games though but he didn't need to know that.

'Stand up, I want to see you', I stood.

As I handed him my business card and signaled my girls to head towards the exit, I whispered in his ear: 'If you're smart, you'll call me tomorrow'... 3 steps later, I slipped and fell...

PS - I'm still embarrassed to ask him for his name.

*Currently listening to Dinah by Louis Armstrong*

Canción De Amor.

I really like this one... Gosh, they were good...

La Mia Es Bella.

I never really think of Colombia too much. I think it may have to do with the fact that I can't really call one place home. I am Colombian, but the world, at its large, has been my home always. The longest I've stayed in one place has been now, Los Angeles, but my blood still runs Colombian, ardiente.

There are things that I miss from time to time, like buying chuntaduros while waiting at a stop light and Sundays of 'refajo y asadito al la'o de la piscina'... I miss the camaraderie and closeness you have with people and the festive joy of being alive.

Here, in America, I've noticed that much is taken for granted and making yourself happy is the only way to carry on. I make myself happy. In that, I have been successful.

So back to Colombia... Around this time is the best time to be in Cali... La Feria is about to start, there's this electricity in the air and music in every corner. The street vendors are preparing for the thousands that go party in the city and everything is a celebration...

I miss mi Cali bella... Next year, I'll be Cali-bound!

Cali, Colombia - En la noche.

*Currently listening to Growing Pains by La Roux*

I Did Tell You So...

I think I remember warning him. People never listen or see the signs. I told him I'm not a good person, not the way good is supposed to really be good. I may be fun and exciting, not good, not in a relationship. I'm no good. He says I am a selfish bitch, boy is he right. I'm selfish, not a bitch, selfish and aloof. Yes, that much is true.

Do you remember the apartment with the little front yard and the mini kitchen? It was charming. I'd open the double french doors that led to the front porch so I could smoke long, skinny cigarettes and read. I'd dream about more colorful places, not happier, for I thought I was the happiest.

Do you remember the old Ford Taurus? Yes, the one that stopped responding one day, after many, many days of use, the one that lost its bumper on a curve once, the one with the big, bag seat. That car was an adventure, an adventure similar to us. We were sturdy, trustworthy, a little off yet completely spot on.

I think I remember it clearly... Perhaps not clear enough... Now I have my own signs to read. Now I have to open my eyes...


*Currently listening to Heartbeats (live at Parke Ave) by Jose Gonzalez*

I Want To Rock You...

Yes, all I want to do is lounge around in my hello kitty bathrobe and my hello kitty fluffy slippers. Another great weekend comes to an end and it feels like I got hit by a truck.

It feels like madness hit a wall and left silver sparkles behind.

It feels like I'm not just lucky, I'm grand!

On Friday, I had my annual holiday dinner party. Most of my favorite people came over, we drank, ate, shared hugs, exchanged stories. These people are truly amazing. These people are incredible special.

I watched The Princess and The Frog yesterday. It made me cry. I guess I'm still too sensitive to anything having to do with a father and daughter, especially if the father passes. I heard Brittany Murphy passed away. One on my favorite movies, Uptown Girls, is one of those that always makes me cry. I want my dad back.

There's one thing left with me, I love it all, music run through my veins, the thought of you is always around. Sabor.

My Dad, My Mom and I, Rio de Janeiro, 1982.

*Currently listening to I Got Five On It by Luniz*

I Can Give You What You Want...

Get The Rope

I was accused of having no emotions. Large accusation you fucker. I do feel.

I was accused of being too emotional. Poor observation. I just happen to care.

Which one is it? The day turned gray and the question lingered. Glass of wine in hand, I still think. I want it to make a difference and I want it to go away. Stay, but not so bitterly. I want you sweet.

This One's On Me.

I made a mistake. I told you I don't care when I obviously do. You made a mistake, you believed me.

*Currently listening to Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones*

He Likes The Movers. I Like The Shakers.

Have you ever lied to yourself? Told yourself over and over again that it's just temporary? I've told myself that. He's only for a little bit, just for now, this isn't really what I want long term. All lies. Because now I want him. But I'm stubborn and he likes coffee and I like tea. I'm impulsive and he likes pie when I like cake. I'm tenacious and he likes red when I like blue.

Impossible, yes, it is impossible... And I'm a liar.

Not Your Thoughts Here

I have a theory. This theory has belonged to many before me so I guess I'm adopting it. It's more of a belief: If you have fucked up thoughts, fucked up shit will happen. Yes, bluntly, like that.

I'm getting sick and tired of hearing people complain. They seem to have no clue just how good they have it. I hear it all the time, people I call friends walk into my home and complain. They complain about traffic, about things they need to pay for, about their jobs, about the weather, about taxes, inflation, their aches and pains, all kinds of bullshit. There are people in the world dying of hunger as I type this, there are mothers losing their children, there's abuse, there's crime, there's rape. How dare you complain?

Life is good. Love your life. Move on. There's always tomorrow and your attitude will make a difference.

I'm starting a new law at my home: If you come to bitch, stay out!

Love ya all and kisses, Happy freaking hump day!



*Currently listening to Where Did Your Heart Go Missing by Rooney*

Stay There, Everything Is The Same

I didn’t think he was handsome. I had seen him maybe a couple of times before. He seemed nice, in a way where ‘good afternoons’ and ‘how are yous’ are properly included in a conversation. I didn’t know much about him.

I must have been starved for attention. I had been alone too long. Alone by choice and unaware of my needs. I took him up on his offerings. Of all the offers...

In the morning, he laid in bed sleeping, his lips slightly parted and his body limp, a surrender to slumber. We had a long night. No love-making, you don’t make love to strangers and the technicalities weren’t there. Various forms of playfulness and pleasure, we’d been up ‘till very late. He looked different to me. In what way, I’m still not sure.

I left that space and carried on. Nothing changes; he’s not the one that will make a difference. Handsome? Yes, very handsome.

*Currently listening to I Want More by Can+

My Life Is Good...

If a tornado had visited, my home would still look much better. It's been a long, long weekend. It started on Wednesday. It's my favorite boy's birthday weekend, the talented, kind and handsome Mr. Sandoval.

I'm not complaining about the mess. I'll get up in a moment and pick things up, find a place for everything, re-establish order. Tonight will be amazing. I am not complaining. In fact, I feel grateful today, more than any other day, I have it all. I have good health, I have great friends, I have a loving family, I have Amara, I have the best sister in existence, I have a job that I really care about, I have peers that are worth my attention, I have a home, I have food, I have happiness in my life...

Lovely Saturday, Happy Life, Many Smiles... I am truly fortunate.

Amara, the queen of the universe.

*Currently listening to You Are The One by Presets*

Home On A Cloud.

I've landed on a cloud... All of the sudden, everything is blurry and I can't quite make what's going on around me. I had imagined what being on a cloud would be like... Definitely nothing like this. Perhaps this isn't a cloud, a dream? Maybe?

After searching for a long time I reached what I believed would be my final destination. Wrong. There's nothing final about this. This doesn't feel like the right place. I may have taken a wrong turn, map quest was misleading, that, or I just don't know how to follow direction.

I'm not lost, that's for sure. I have myself here, tight in a bear hug, snuggled to my consciousness, intact. What's left now than to carry on?

Patience dear magnificent one. Patience. Carry on...

*Currently listening to Amara, she purrs, she's welcoming me home*