Silly Fuzz.

Now I feel silly
Selfish and dizzy
Now I got this feeling
That you'll forgive me

And you know
Oh my god, just please
Don't ever let me go
Yeah, sometime we're high
And sometimes we're low

- Cuddle Fuddle, Passion Pit

I've been thinking a lot about the chances I've given myself to truly be happy in the matters of love. Sometimes, I've been very hard on myself. The answer is right there in front of me... All this time, and he's still there.

*Currently listening to Blue Lips by Regina Spektor*

Ana & Pedro

I met Pedro at a bar. He was, according to what he tells me later, on his fourth Manhattan; I was on my second Apple Martini. He was telling the cute brunette sitting next to him something about procreation and velvet dreams, she obviously thought it was a line. I believe it was, but he will never admit it. She left, and as she passed me at incredible speed, he caught me smiling and he said, 'funny huh? they all leave at some point, better at the beginning'.

I wasn't quite sure if this was a handsome manic-depressive, drowning his sorrows at a local bar, or a bright and charming possible suitor. I was bored, slightly curious and I felt like I had nothing to lose.

I ordered a third Martini and he said it was on him. He ordered another one for himself too. We chatted. As much as it is possible at a bar, where an old jukebox is playing old tunes and where desperate people are aimlessly looking to connect with someone, anyone, somehow.

He told me about his love for everything green: Broccoli, money, his olive green Porsche and the tree outside his childhood home. I told him about my future plans, of conquering the world and taking no prisoners. We laughed, we joked, we made love.

The next morning, in his bed, he told me we were soul mates. He said it was simply meant to be. I turned around to look at his light chocolate eyes and I kissed him deeply, a kiss that has lasted 11 years, the true kiss of love.

- The story of Ana, as seen through my eyes.

The people on this picture are nobody I know, I have decided to call them Pedro and Ana.
This picture was stolen from somewhere in cyberspace.

*Currently listening to Nada Personal by Soda Stereo*

Dream A Little Dream Of Me.

Stars shining bright above you.
Night breezes seem to whisper, 'I love you,'
Birds singing in the sycamore tree.
Dream a little dream of me.

Say nighty-night and kiss me.
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me.
While I'm alone and blue as can be,
Dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear,
Still craving your kiss.
I'm longing to linger 'till dawn, dear,
Just saying this:

Sweet dreams 'till sunbeams find you,
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you.
But in your dreams, whatever they be.
Dream a little dream of me.

- Written by Fabian Andre and Wilbur Schwandt for The Mamas & The Papas

*Currently listening to Dream a Little Dream of Me*

Just Might.

I really might like you better if we actually did slept together...

Lies Not Dreams.

I desperately wanted to be the exception. I desperately wanted to be the odd case. It wasn't so. It isn't so.

There's a line in a song that says: 'Cry. Until the soul has been moved. To let it all out'.

Crying didn't do anything for me. My soul wasn't hurt, my heart wasn't touched, my ego on the other hand, has been bruised badly.

I knew it from the beginning. I knew there was nothing special about him. I convinced myself that there was. I convinced myself that there was something about him I should take in. I opened my doors, I let him walk around, I showed him the way.

None of it is on him. I knew better. It's on me, for living in a dream.

'It aint easy to ignore
when your shutters are open all the way
when it's candlelight I see I go insane
distant silhouette somehow
we shared a cigarette somewhere
addict till it falls, falls, falls.

Always and forevermore
I call to say I'm on the way
2000 years remain in the trashcan
let burn the cigarette somewhere
ashes till it falls, falls, falls.'
- Rome, Phoenix

*Currently listening to Girlfriend by Phoenix*

Nothing To Say.

So there's not much for me to say today... There's no point in tainting a perfectly wonderful rainy day with my thoughts on your comments.

Stay tuned, tomorrow may be more fruitful.

*Currently listening to Hurricane Jane by The Black Kids*

He's Really That Good.

He saved his parking spot for me. We decided we'd be doing laundry. A laundry date. I decided not to go out and party and join him instead, for our laundry date. It would have been easy to cancel. I didn't.

He carried my things to the laundry room and stood around as I loaded the machines. We went to his room and played scrabble, talked about relationships, checked our facebook accounts, listened to great music, we checked on my clothes and again, stood around as I folded everything in neat little piles. He offered me a beer and snacks, he made a mix cd for me to take home and when all the laundry was done with, he put everything in my car and bid me goodbye with a hug and a smile. Simple. Easy.

It's easy to say I Love You. It's easy to be myself around him. Everything is easy.

We're best friends, there's nothing romantic, there's no physical attraction, we're real buddies sharing real moments of blunt simplicity. There's nothing to hide, nothing to be apprehensive about, nothing to hold back.

And I wonder: If we were in fact attracted to each other, if we were romantically inclined, would it be this easy?



*Currently listening to Night on the Sun by Modest Mouse*

Doom & Light.

He's my weakness, my personal emotional roller coaster, my instant gratification, my poison, my little ray of light, my temporary doom, my guilty pleasure, my sporadic adventure, my 'good time', my friend, sometimes my lover, always a mystery, seamlessly predictable; he's not mine at all and I just can't help myself.

'Here I come when I better go, I say yes when I ought to say no'
- Dragonette

CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO

*Currently listening to Dragonette, on a loop*

Little Wisdom.

Devin: ‘I'm never gonna get married. Girls are gross. I want my own stuff. But I am gonna have kids.’

Angel: ‘Yeah Devin! Marriage is for suckers. But you know what? In about 5 years, you won't think girls are gross. What if they start liking you?’

Devin: ‘Nu-uh. If a girl tries to kiss me, I'm going to build a secret fort made of trees!’

Angel: ‘Oh really? What if they break in?’

Devin: ‘I'll escape using a chainsaw. But first I'll dig a hole that's a trap for them hahahaha!’

-Conversation between Devin (age 6) and Angel Cazares (age 30)

This kid is on to something. I jokingly commented that he should be my consultant… I don’t think girls are gross, in fact, I don’t think men are gross either, but right now, relationships and the man/woman/couple’s dynamic, pretty much, make me want to barf…

Those simpler times were oh so sweet…


*Currently listening to Agua by Jarabe de Palo*

Sunny Rainy Day.

It’s official. The crying is over. It’s been 36 hours and not one tear. I’m aware that tears aren’t indicators of sorrow but along with a lack of tears I’ve been hit with a sedating numbness. Maybe not numb, perhaps wistful?

I have a mild headache, but not from crying so much. There’s a small pang of sadness in me, but nothing serious enough to be too worried. I have to remind myself that I am wonderful, that I have a loving family, that I have amazing friends, that I’m healthy, smart, and beautiful. I will always be alright.

It’s raining outside, but my heart is all sunshine. Almost there, I can almost see the rainbow.



*Currently listening to Aint’t Nothing Gonna Break My Stride by Men At Work*

Better. But Not There Yet.

Today, I could listen to the songs I wanted to without bursting into tears. That's a start. I did feel like it may happen, like the tears may surprise me with a stream of sadness and I was content to find I was considerably okay.

I'm not sure at what point it happened. I didn't see it coming. I don't feel like I've been fucked over, I'm not upset, I'm not disappointed, I'm not hoping for anything to change, I just feel very sad.

Disdain would be better but I have nothing to feel contempt for.

Tomorrow will be better and eventually I'll go back to being the same: The cold-hearted bitch that doesn't give a fuck. I'm not sure if that's a better version of me but at least I'll be alright.

Some surprises come in sweet and turn bitter, some come in bitter and never change. This one wasn't bad, I just want for it to lose its taste.



*Currently listening to When I'm With You by Best Coast*

A Little Bit. Or More.

This one is really perfect. Perfect. For this moment, precise.

Keep Moving...

I felt it necessary to share this. One of my best friends is a photographer and life through his eyes is a collage of emotions and sensations, that's the way I see things with him. Beyond being a photographer, he's a dreamer, he's a philanthropist, he's a supporter of hearts and the best therapy for anyone's soul... I'm gifted by him every day by just having him and this is a gift I share with you all...

'I'll be the first to admit that 2009 ate and spit me right out for the vultures to eat, alone I felt, but with 2010 paving a yellow brick road its seeming to become an 'in repair' journey. I've been taking my hearts advice and finally realizing that worrying about a bill, a job and money do absolutely nothing. Yes, I know I can't rely on that forever because things do need to be taken care of and people do need to be paid, but I will no longer cry nor be angry about it. All I can do is try and use this free time wisely.

Today, I went for a hike and came across this tree. She was such an amazing sight because every time I wanted to turn around and give up my 'curious cat' ways kept me going to see what was around the corner. She was simple, alone, isolated, shading nothing but the dirt below her and as I walked closer I noticed that she had been decorated with two ornaments that made me smile ear to ear. Maybe she hasn't been so alone as I've assumed. Maybe someone visits her daily, sings by her, reads under what little shade is provided. Either way it's apparent that even without someone to water her roots or trim her branches she's managed to fight through what life has handed her. Alone or in a crowd we all have to move on, keep dreaming and fight life to make it the best possible. In time I will visit and maybe even thank her with an ornament for inspiring me. *Love*' - Vincent Sandoval (Vincent Sandoval Photography & Groove:Snap)


*Currently listening to All Dressed Up by Citizen Cope*

Away. We Go.

Swoon...

Watching this film produced in me an incredibly great desire to be in love. It's a sweet, humorous, profound, honest film. Beautiful scenery throughout their journey, a straightforward script, amazing performances by Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski, in fact, the cast in general was pretty fantastic and what captured my heart the most was the tenderness and the open ease of their relationship... I want that.

'I'll always love you. Even if it takes months for you to lose this weight.'
-Burt (John Krasinski), Away We Go

PS: The soundtrack is amazing too. I want it.

*Currently listening to Dream A Little Dream of Me by The Mamas & The Papas*

I Will. After You.

I will tell you a secret. I will sing you a song. But first, please sprinkle me with kindness.



*Currently listening to I Go To The Barn by Band of Horses*

So Sick. So Sweet.

Thank you Courtney... Amazing!

Going Around In Circles.

It's very simple. I like him but I don't know how to tell him that I like him. This feels like adolescent behavior. Nothing is clearly stated how it usually happens with adult interactions. He talks to me about women that he's interested in and then turns around and sleeps with me. How is the line between friendship and something else not supposed to be blurry?

I told him once: I can be friends or a casual booty call. I can't do both. Then I thought it wouldn't matter. But it does. So I put my foot in my mouth and it all goes back to being the same. To me being his buddy that he sometimes fucks.

I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to see him every single day. I do want him to care about me and to not talk to me about other women and to want to see me randomly and not just for sex.

So I guess this is what a crush feels like... Or is it something else? I'll find myself some distractions, those usually help.

I'm just sick of it all...

*Currently listening to Melt My Heart To Stone by Adele, on repeat - This song suits me right now*

One More. Gone.

I received the news just some minutes ago. He passed away on Saturday after a couple of years of battling cancer. He was so strong in his fight. He was so positive in his demeanor, he was happy, he was grateful, he was strongly holding on, he was a role model. He leaves a daughter and a loving wife behind. He leaves friends. He leaves people with beautiful memories to hold dearly.

He was my father's friend. He was a good friend. One of the few who were with him until the very end. I remember their conversations and the casual bantering of lifelong friendship. I remember when his family and ours used to go to the country home on weekends and they'd drink and tell jokes while the kids played in the open fields. I remember his warm smile.

Having him around was a memory of my father, so I'm selfish, I will now mourn him not only for him, but because that little part of my father, left behind in him, is now gone for me too.

We will move along, those of us left behind, it's always alright the next day...

Never Give In. Never. I Give In. Oh Well.

I woke up this morning and realized that I fought a really good fight and lost. I told myself I wouldn't fall. I told myself I would keep my cool and not get too involved. But when I opened my eyes, the first thought went straight to him and when I tried blocking it, the thought just lingered there, in the back, staring me in the eye.

My infatuations are usually temporary and I intend to ride this one out like I've done with most.

'While we're on the subject
Could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ear's door but you were always out
Looking towards the future
We were begging for the past
Well we knew we had the good things
But those never seemed to last
Oh please just last

Everyone's unhappy
Everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking
At somebody else's page
Well nothing ever went
Quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water
But we used them like a dam

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell
Saying yes, this is a fine promotion
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

Of course everyone goes crazy
Over such and such and such
We made ourselves a pillar
We just used it as a crutch
We were certainly uncertain
At least I'm pretty sure I am
Well we didn't need the water
But we just built that good God dam

Oh, and I know this of myself
I assume as much for other people
Oh, and I know this of myself
We've listened more to life's end gong
Than the sound of life's sweet bliss

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just dance at our wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks
Sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves
But not the skills to make a shelf with
Oh, what useless tools ourselves.'


- Missed the Boat, Modest Mouse

*Currently listening to What's in The Middle by The Bird and the Bee*