Nothing But.

I said I wasn't going to write about him anymore. So since nothing else occupies my mind right now, I'm not going to write at all.

Please stand by.

You've Cheated? I've Cheated.

I was asked why I think people cheat today.

I can't respond for everyone. I only know why I did: I cheated because I was unhappy.

I cheated on boyfriend number 2 because he thought of me as a trophy. He worked too much, he socialized with his buddies too much, he patronized me too much, we didn't have enough sex. I was his weekend, shiny trophy, the perfect accessory for social functions with business connections, family and his less fortunate (in regards to women) friends. For about 6 months, I had hot, mind-blowing, connectionless sex with a young, perfectly toned, funny guy whom I suspected to have a girlfriend, we'd hook-up at random times, for as long as the lust would last, no tender kisses, no dinner dates, just sex, hot flaming sex, like spin class, hot, fast, furious and you're done.

Eventually I realized I didn't need the safety net boyfriend number 2 provided, and after an argument about his hot tub, I stormed out of his expensive home, out of his expensive lifestyle and out of his expensive life.

I cheated on boyfriend number 3 because he was too busy doing drugs to pay attention to me, to us, to anything different from the next fix. At first, I didn't know he used. He was wonderful. Eventually I caught on, the highs were fantastic but the lows were mortifying. It shattered my faith in him and my ego, he didn't want me and I thought it was me. It turned out to be he didn't want anything. His life was empty. I had a couple of casual flings, semi sentimental, purely physical, completely empty, just like him, just like us.

Eventually, I gathered the strength to move on. To leave him, to embrace the fact that I couldn't help him if he didn't want to help himself and allow myself to accept that I wanted something better and it wasn't an act of selfishness but cheating was and I couldn't do it anymore. I erased him slowly, but when everything was all gone, I never looked back.

I never cheated on boyfriend number 4. I loved him too much. Cheating is for people who don't care. For those who are too scared to move on without a security blanked. For those who can't deal with monotony and need the extra attention. For those who don't know how to break free. And when you're aware of this, and if you care, there will be no cheating...

There's always an option: To be honest and make a choice. Sounds so easy... In reality, it isn't, but sometimes, the best things don't come easy... And today, when people say they are appalled by cheaters, and I know they've cheated themselves, I can't stop myself from laughing. I pity these people, it's hysterical. And really, I am appalled because I know the truth, there's always an option, even if it's not an easy one.



PS: They never found out, and now, it would be too late for anyone to care...

*Currently listening to a Drake Vs. Sub Focus, a mash up*

Twofold Sunday.

My grandfather passed away yesterday.

The last memory I have of my grandfather was at his country home in La Buitrera, Cali. He was telling morbid jokes and toasting for health and happiness with his favorite drink, aguardiente. His blue eyes always twinkled and his white hair and few wrinkles were the only indicator of his old age. This was years ago. That was the last time I saw him. He was healthy, he was happy, he was surrounded by all the family, all the many granddaughters who loved him, his daughters who tolerated his crazy mood swings and his high-energy enthusiasm, his son, of sorts, since he wasn't his offspring but his nephew, but being raised by the man gave them the title of father and son, coupled with infinite love; and his wife, who stood by his side for over 50 years, through infidelities and angry tantrums... He always liked the ladies, of all shapes and sizes. His wandering eye is something I'll never forget.

I'm selfish. And I am glad my last memory of him is that and not of him laying in a sick bed. I heard he'd been reduced to bones and flesh, his memory faulty, his spunk missing and his days of happiness reduced to naps and complaints about his many aches and pains. I'm glad he's gone. I'm glad he's now resting or toasting with aguardiente with the angels above... Since no one can really say what happens after death, this is what I wish to believe, that it's all giant party followed by nap time upon fluffy clouds.

He's gone. We've stayed. Another person I now have in heaven.

Also yesterday, I was surprised by myself. I did something I should have never done. I read something I didn't want to read. That's not me. But apparently it is. To be capable of doing something I once considered to be so appalling is incredible to me. Incredulous, that's how I feel about myself. I wish I hadn't, I wish I could trust blindly. He's trying, or is he? I don't even know anymore. I don't know what's right, what's wrong, what's real, what stands in my dreamland. All I know is that I am in love with him and I want to believe everything will be alright. He says he loves me and he holds me tight against him and I want to believe everything will be okay.

Who knows? I sure don't.

My grandpa, his wife and me. 15 years ago.

*Currently listening to Ojala by Silvio Rodriguez*

When Lacking.

Blank. There's so much to write about. But right now, I lack the words.

Blank.

*Currently listening to Soy Pan by Mercedes Sosa*

When I Grew...

I have to stop myself. My way isn't the only way. There are different routes to take to get to the same place. Relax.

I must admit that I can be a little controlling sometimes. I get carried away and I'll jump on the first train of emotion to come my way and stubbornly ride it 'till there's no turning back. That was the case yesterday. I was set on believing he doesn't care and I almost said 'screw that, go fuck yourself'. It turns out, that like on many other instance where this has happened, I just needed to stop, breathe, open my eyes and allow myself to see the different routes.

As the day progressed, and after I was smart enough to shut the dialog box down and move on with things, he sweetly and patiently messaged me throughout the day and soothed the erratic wilderness in my head. In the evening, he had plans, I had plans, but after our plans, he showed up at my door and the glow in the dark stars I had mentioned a million years ago, were with him, a surprise, for me.

Sweetness moves at its own pace and I just need to let it be. And this doesn't mean that he and I are meant to be, or that he loves me, or that I'm the only person he wants to be with. But he cares and he's there and that's enough... For now.

Speaking of what I want

Speaking of what I need

I don't want anything

Speaking of what I have

Speaking of what I lack

I don't need anything

- Young Man

*Currently listening to Just A Growin' by Young Man*

Then & Now

I posted this in December and I was going through some old posts and thought it would be appropriate for right now:

Last Night, after being out with one of my best friends and arriving to an empty home, I had a little bit of a melt down.

I’m soon going to turn 30. I’ve pushed the one man who loved me unconditionally away from me. I run from commitment. I’m scared of vulnerabilities. I’m inadequate when it comes to feeling. I’m practical and non-conventional when it comes to love affairs. I’m every man’s dream when it comes to a woman to have a fling with, but at the end of the day, I’m alone.

I have great people around me. I have friends, real friends. There's love coming my way. I have a fun, interesting life. I have a career, I have a job, I have good health and I have a caring, fulfilling family... I even have a cute pet to go with all of it... Somehow last night, it wasn't enough.

I felt the loneliness last night. I felt it and I melted, just a little bit.

Some things have changed, others haven't. I am now 30. I feel like I may be capable of opening up to feeling and I'm not necessarily lonely. Some things are still the same.

My needs right now are others. I feel betrayed, not by a lover but by someone closer and more important. Like everything, this too, shall pass.

*Currently listening to Micheal by Franz Ferdinand*

You & I.

'Well baby how we spoon like no one else'

This song just makes me so, so happy...

He Names His Car After Me.

And writes pretty poems that are not about me.

But worth sharing anyway...

Why I Read Poems

For Flowers

The silk soft black hair
suprised me
its touch to my hand
and the feel of your skin
You felt right to me

Your dark coat flutters in the wind
your soft bed we shared in my dream
William Blake measuring the universe
The point of the compass against my skin

I really can't say I am trying to remember you
but it was something about what I was like with you
and how I felt complete
even as pieces of me fell away
spinning into the dark

These pieces
small like diamond sparks
shine

One day
I will feel her skin
And its touch will remind me
of silk
and darkness
and light from darkness
exploding behind my eyes
into my heart

by turnerBroadcasting

*Currently listening to Luz Azul by Aterciopelados*

Good Dick & Good Night.

I just watched a pretty amazing film.

According to IMDB, Good Dick is 'A look at the relationship between a lonely introverted girl and a young video store clerk vying for her attention.' It goes way beyond that. She's bruised beyond comprehension and he's in desperate need of giving out his affection. They both have what the other needs.

It's a deep, powerful story.

Things are usually deeper than what they appear to be. Everybody has a story. Everyone is fighting their own demons.


On another note: Don't fall asleep when you're about to get what you want. I'm just saying. It probably means that what you were about to get wasn't something you really wanted at all... What's new...

*Currently listening to You and I by Ingrid Michealson, on repeat, cause some things make me a bit sad, but this song makes me happy*

Make It Your Bitch!

I believe that everything happens like it's supposed to, I also believe you have to take life and make it your bitch, you are the executive executor, be decisive.

Yesterday was one of those fantastic days. Everything was aligned perfectly. There was nothing out of the ordinary, just a regular day at work, followed by a regular evening. The difference was a slight change of pace, a change of scenery, allowing myself to let the mind wander and allowing myself to feel the bliss...

Allow yourself to be.

Kisses to the world!

Rose Cay, San Andres, Colombia

*Currently listening to Islands by The XX*

Hot Mess.

You think your hot shit
You cool, I love it, I love it

- Cobra Starship

One Day, I'll See You In Heaven.

My father passed away exactly four years ago. I found out through a message on my answering machine. Who leaves a message on an answering machine informing someone her father has passed away? My sister was right in front of me while I listened to the message. She already knew. She was waiting for my mother to tell me. My mother was on her way from Arizona to give me the news.

As I listened to the message on the machine I started laughing. I guess I was nervous. I looked at my sister and said: 'What? Is this a joke?', when she didn't respond I knew it wasn't a joke. It would have been a bad joke but I would have taken that over reality. I broke down.

The days after his death were very hard for me. I wasn't there to say good bye. He was my favorite, I was his favorite. We had a special bond.

The days after his death were hard. They had a tint of sadness but a great sense of calm. It's very hard to explain. I knew I'd be okay.

As I write this, I can't stop the tears from streaming. There is still no sense of sadness. I miss him and I'll never have him physically again. I will never again be able to hear his voice respond to my amusing stories or tell me a joke when I'm feeling blue. I still love him and he'll always love me. He's there. I can feel it. But sometimes I wish he could be HERE, to meet my new friends, to see my life, to laugh that loud, euphoric laugh that I inherited from him...

4 years feels like it hasn't been long enough. It still feels like yesterday.

I miss you. I love you. See you in my dreams Dad.

'habla mas que vitrola vieja'

*Currently listening to Lock Your Doors by Tandemoro*

Slow May Be Faster.

I've stayed in all week. It's very unlike me. Usually I'm off on some adventure, testing the waters, probing the city, tasting the flavors of Los Angeles.

At the begining of the week I started to feel it. Since it's been happening so often I immediately recognized it, a cold was coming. I tried taking preventive measures and I stayed in Monday, then Tuesday, took vitamins and stayed warm, by Wednesday it was obvious I was getting sick again, my throat was aching, my head congested, it was coming on strong. Yesterday was the begining of the disaster and I came home early from work, today was a mess. I'm a beautiful mess. Yes I am.

I strongly suspect I have an ear infection. I will be visiting my doctor tomorrow. I can't wait to get this treated.

Furethermore, I can't wait to get to the bottom of this. I've been sick, too strongly, too often. And this time, there's nothing that I wish for more than my good, usual, strong health.

Being healthy means being able to do all the things that I love to do. It means I'll want to dance again, to eat and actually taste, to hear each octave in each instrument in every song, to work hard, at the job that I love and on the goals I've set for myself.

There's no time to waste, and although I may have to slow down and take a break in order to get better, I suspect that once I'm all healthy and pink again, I'll be ready to go.

And all of this will be no more than a lesson. Sometimes you have to take a break and get things right. Sometimes. And if I die, fast won't be important after all.




*Currently listening to 2012 play in the background, there's no music today*

You Look Like Shit. Yes. Me Too.

I have a cold. Again.

I've been sick on and off since Christmas. I'm seriously starting to get worried. This can't be normal. I think my immune system needs the exorcist.

This time, it's not my throat. I have a serious head cold. My ears hurt, my nose is stuffy, my eyes are watery. It's disgusting.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I'm demanding a full physical. Lets get to the bottom of this, I'm so over it.



*Currently listening to nothing, I feel blah*

He Sleeps.

I can't sleep.

In my bed, there is a man that sleeps soundly. I like having him there. I think he may be dreaming. Perhaps.

For all the times I wish he was in my bed more often and now to have him there and not be able to sleep.

I feel hot. Tired. Uncomfortable. It is an odd night. It usually isn't so. Usually, when we're in bed there's chatter, we talk about random things, about the non-existing us. Sometimes there's passion, it will start with a kiss or a hand placed on a place that marks the start of something hot. Like unsuspecting fire, consumes us quickly, ferociously, we lose control and the world seems to vibrate and lack focus in a marvelous way. My favorite nights are when we have both.
But like everything, every day can't always be the same and some nights like these, quiet and uneventful are good in their own way.

I like knowing he's there. He's been there a lot lately.

It surprises me, scares me, makes me happy, I'll take it while it's there.

Going with the flow... I keep telling myself all kinds of things. Why not? On this sleepless night and while he is there, why not? I'm here, the time is now, and I'm not going anywhere.



*Currently listening to Perfume by Bajo Fondo*

Low.

I'm keeping my expectations low.



Because if I don't, the consequences may be devastating and this time, I'm sure I wont be able to handle it...

:)

What Do You Taste Like?

Good taste, bad taste, it's so subjective. It varies from person to person. Personally, I cringed every time I hear the selections some people make when it comes to music.

Music and food, yes, I'm a snob. And lovers... Music, food and lovers. I'm picky.

So please feel free to make suggestions, but don't be surprised if I don't respond with positive feedback. Sometimes, out of sheer diplomatic decency, and because the choices made by others have been put out there without my input being directly requested, I don't say anything at all. But boy do I think of a few things to say.

I guess it's all about being tolerant. Some people like it salty, some like it sweet...

I like it tart, with rainbow sprinkles on the side. And please, don't send me flowers, I prefer kisses.


And if you do ask me, and because I'm conceited and self-absorbed, I will tell you that my taste in everything, is definitely the best...

*Currently listening to Flash Delirium by MGMT*

Me Too.

At least I'm not alone...

*Currently listening to Real Love by Beach House (one of the prettiest songs I've heard in a while)*

Married. Say What?

There was a time when I used to host 'wine night' at my house on a regular basis. Friends would show up with bottles of wine for all of us to try, I'd provide cheese, crackers, whatever I could get at Trader Joe's in a rush on my way home from work.

One of those nights, when the crowd started thinning out, one of my good friends, one of my favorite guys in this world, sat by my side and moving from topic to topic in blurry conversation we agreed that if we ever reached 40 and we were still single, we'd marry. It was a serious joke, one of those things you say and laugh about but stays clearly in mind, like the echo of a bell that rang loudly at your side.

A would call him a womanizer but he's a gentleman, he's sensitive and he's considerate. He simply loves women. All of them, in all their shapes, sizes, backgrounds. He's also tall, dark, handsome, successful, well-mannered, sexy, a catch, ladies like him too... He'd say I'm trouble, but I know he knows I can be dedicated and we've always been there for each other, in one way or another. He claims to be a good Samaritan, he'll be there for a lady friend in need...

The conditions of this union, according to our partially drunken conversation stand as follows: We'll be together but have an open relationship, each person gets to do whatever and the only rules are honesty and that we come first, the rest is the rest, people, social obligations, whatever...

It's a joke, it's obviously far fetched, unrealistic and delusional. But still, I wonder, could a relationship under those terms work? And, if it were really a plan in motion, would the fact that we share a great friendship and that there's an obvious attraction be enough for a happy union? I wonder if open relationships work well for people like us. Is that the answer?

We will be married. Eventually, to each other or not... Answers, questions, colors and sounds everywhere... And still I think that marriage, may just not be for me.



*Currently listening to Great DJ by The Ting Tings*

Let's Move On.

Everyone seems to be looking for something. A complement to our lives.

I'm looking for something too. I'm just not sure what it is.

I was able to look ahead and picture myself in different futures, but at one point, the picture always gets blurry and I can imagine no more... I blame this on my lack of conviction, on how lost I am, on not knowing what I want.

But I do know one thing, I know that I need to stop writing about him on this blog.

The story has ended.

Filed away.

Archived.

Moving on...

'I was your silver lining
as the story goes
I was your silver lining, but now I'm gold'.
-Rilo Kiley

Another song that makes me smile...

Two Notes - One Post - Random.

The first part of today was rough... A week's worth of work awaited me at the office. My inbox laughed in my face at my expression of horror when it displayed the number of unread emails I had to tackle. It felt like outlook was looking me straight in the eye and in a mocking voice said 'take that'.

A lesson, in life, everything is a lesson. Too much fun and not enough rest brought upon a cold, that later on brought upon something more serious, and when the doctor said bed rest, I could have sworn she was sentencing me to brutal labor in a dark prison cell... 3 days home doing nothing, a waste of my time, a waste of my brain.

At least I was focused today. I'm not always focused. But my mind works in wonderful, mysterious ways and when it counts, it gives me what I need and I felt sharp, ready, capable. Things are coming along and I predict, that by noon tomorrow, everything should have gone back to normality... Normality often sounds like a boring state, right now it sounds exciting and pleasant.



On another note... I realized at some point last week that I had allowed myself to start hoping again and as I suspected it turned out badly. And when an entire week passed without hearing much from him, I realized hope had no use when it comes to him.

I read something somewhere, 'I loved him as he wanted, he loved me as he could and I can't continue to love like this', and when I remembered this line, I immediately remembered another one, 'pain is inevitable but suffering is optional'... My subconscious answers all important questions in due time...

So I've filed that story in archives that rarely get visited and today, when somebody asked me about him, I honestly responded that I didn't know. And for the first time I meant it, because for the first time, I felt like I didn't care.

Oblivion, another welcomed state.

*Currently listening to By Your Side by Sade*

Smile With Me.

This song makes me smile.

Somewhere in the world, another person will be listening to this song too, and smiling...



Happy Sunday.

Once Upon A Time There Was This Guy

You're starting to turn into a story. A story that I'll someday tell my friends while drinking martinis during any of many happy hours. Eventually that's all you'll be: A memory, a tale, something that happened at one point in my life.

I guess that's how it is, some people just come and go.

'It will be best not to remember the pain your lies caused me, but the happiness I felt while I believed them'
- Author Unknown

*Currently listening to Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye*

Some People Lie.

And some don't, they simply don't mean what they say...

'You said you'd be there for me
In times of trouble when I need you and I'm down
And likewise you need friendship
It's from my side pure love but I see lately things have been changing'

- Heartbeat, Nneka

Flirt With You Baby

I always thought it was very normal. It feels normal to me. I never questioned it growing up, it was never a problem and it was never brought up to me in any way until recently, in my adulthood...

Apparently, I'm a flirt.

It was a big issue with the ex; every once in a while, a random person will awkwardly ask me if I am flirting with them and it has been brought to my attention that the way I interact with some people, whether it be in person, on the phone or on my comments here or on online social network sites (i.e. facebook) is flirtatious to say the least.

It's just the way I am.

Every once in a while, when a random person gathers the nerve to ask if I'm hitting on them, my reaction tends to be always the same: Surprise, mostly because I'm not even aware that my behavior might have been flirtatious, mostly because I often don't find that person attractive, mostly because this is just me and no offense, I probably think you're great, just not that way.

I am blunt, I love most of the people around me, I have no qualms about being enthusiastic towards anyone who makes me happy and if I say sweetie, darling, gorgeous, kisses, besitos or anything else, it doesn't mean I'm inviting you in my bed, it means I like you, feel special.

For the most part, and ironically, those who actually do call to my heart or those who I find myself attracted to are the ones with whom I am cold with. In those cases, it is harder for me to let go and just be the warm, sweet me.

For a long time, when it was brought up to me the first couple of times, I thought it may be a cultural thing. Colombians are very warm, we call each other love or honey or mi cielo, we kiss on the cheek to say hi and bye, we hug generously and we like to tell people we love them when they are important in our lives.

Now, I think it probably is and it isn't, but heck, I love it... I love flirting when I'm doing it on purpose, which does happen too ;)

So, am I a flirt? Yes, most likely. I'm okay with it, now lets move along...

Unrelated but I love it

*Currently listening to Shame For You by Lily Allen*

Stars & Dreams

This is for you...

In one of the stars

I shall be living
In one of them
I shall be laughing
And so it will be
as if all the stars
were laughing
when you look
at the sky at night

-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

I've used this passage before, in an old post some time ago, and when you left this morning, I thought of it and you. The Little Prince is one of my favorite books...

The soul holds on tight and that's part of how everything flows. I'm glad I heard about your dream, even if it made your soul shake. Thank you for sharing.


*Currently listening to Be Be Your Lover by Rachael Yamagata*

Once Upon A Time In A Motel Room

I remember one time I was sick and I called him to tell him I had a bad cold. We had plans for that night. We always had plans. He asked what I wanted to do about it. I told him I wanted to disappear from the world and just sleep. He said he'd pick me up in an hour, to pack an over-night bag.

Upon picking me up, he asked if I really wanted to disappear from the world. I said yes, at least for a day or two. He asked for my cellphone, turned it off and said he'd give it back eventually. I didn't say a word.

We checked in to some random hotel somewhere. A place I've never seen again. I remember the room had a tacky hot tub in the middle of it and we couldn't stop laughing. We joked how it would have been perfect if I hadn't been so sick.

I got in bed, he left to get food, I woke up the next morning and he was by my side, watching sports and drinking coffee, the food he'd picked up the night before was on the table and the smell of fresh coffee marked the beginning of a new day feeling better.

He'd do things like that from time to time. And although I know we're better off apart, sometimes, when I remember these awesome little moments, the little things that say so much, I miss him, from the bottom of my heart.



Side-note: I've been diagnosed with Bronchitis and Laryngitis. I know it's nothing major, nothing that I couple of days of rest and antibiotics wont cure. I'll check in tomorrow. I'm lucky, I will still be alive.

*Currently listening to Window Seat by Erykah Badu*

Pandora's Box.

Sometimes you're not looking for it and it slaps you in the face.

Today, I figured I would stray away from the cd I've been playing in repeat and let Pandora surprise me... First song played was Bernadette.

Thanks Pandora. Now go fuck yourself.



What are the odds...

PS: I love this song, but now, for the rest of my life, it will always remind me of him.