Love You. Enough.

I do this. I build things up and I get so excited and it ends in self-disappointment.

I was so caught up in wanting him to want me that I failed to see if I really wanted him at all. Now I look at him and I feel like I don't even know him. I really don't. I don't know what his favorite color is, I don't know what he likes to do during the holidays or what his favorite movie is, what his pet peeves are or what his ideal Sunday is.

In a way, I guess that's what you find out when you're dating. But we've determined we're just not dating anymore. He calls me his girlfriend and I am to call him my boyfriend and what happens down the road, when you wake up next to that person and you realize it isn't what you thought it would be?

For me, 'boyfriend' had been reserved for one person, on and off for 6 years the only person who earned the boyfriend title was the man I stuck by over arguments, disagreements, ups and downs. Even when we'd break up and I saw other people, those were never boyfriends, even with the musician who made me smile with just a thought of him... He was never my boyfriend. I think deep inside I knew I'd always go back to 'the boyfriend' and I always left that space open for him. The title was always his.

Now, things are different. I'm  beyond being ready to move past the man I once loved. And in this new adventure, I've fallen in love, had my heart broken, had apologies made, heard promises and have decided to give it a go. He's what I wanted, in many ways, prior to being surprised by harsh realities. Could he still be what I want now that the shine is days old and the scratches and marks a lifetime have shown who he is?

He's still smart, handsome, charming, funny and quirky in ways that I adore. But he's also other things I wouldn't have tolerated had they'd been shown to me early on. But maybe it was all a big mistake, as told to me by someone yesterday: 'Maybe he knew what he wanted all along and he had to prove something to himself, hence all the other crap'... Maybe...

We like different sports teams, we don't have the same taste in music, I love to dance, he likes to drink and chat. I like the night-time, he likes movies I have never seen or some that I know I will never like. I like explosions of bright bubble-gum pink, and watching funny movies that make my stomach ache and eating ice cream in my pajamas and having pancakes for dinner... He likes sleeping and Star Wars and women and... And I'm sitting here trying to think what else he likes and can't come up with anything else.

I'm here and he's here and we're together. I look at him and I want my heart to expand and beat like it used to. I'm content. Blissful happiness? Maybe... I'm closing my eyes and letting it be. Hit me. I have a boyfriend.

*Currently listening to Inside & Out by Feist*

Have You heard?

The birds are chirping and the sun is shining and the rainbows are adorning the sky with their iridescence and luminous wonder... I'm feeling great. Everything is fantastic.

Whenever I'm feeling this good it's hard to not feel that little pinch of fear for the moment when the high ends and the crash starts settling in. But why not believe in it? Why not enjoy it and know it will last? Why not believe that this happiness isn't just temporary... I had been sad and uncertain for far too long. It feels good to have everything working out in a synchronized matter... Everything will be okay.

And if not, well who cares, I'm taking this in and enjoying it. Right now.

I have nothing but nice right now...

*Currently listening to Canada by Treasure*

Can't Buy Me Love.

A coffee maker? Really?

When I saw the box I felt excited but very confused. Then I realized what had happened and I felt upset. Simple, no other feelings.

The coffee maker will be returned.

I don't want plane tickets or expensive coffee makers or watches or anything. It's rude. I'm not interested. This isn't funny. My affection will never be bought with presents.

Good intentions are lost when poeple refuse to listen. Furthermore, good intentions are tainted when you sit there smirking and you think this is hilarious.

Fuck your coffee maker. I'll be buying my own because I can and that one will have no strings attached.



*Currently listening to The High Road by Broken Bells*

Scared But Encouraged.

Some time ago, while I was curled up in bed crying, I recieved a message from someone who had read this blog and figured something was wrong... In between tears and sobs, I replied saying I was not okay and I just wanted to know how long all the pain would last.

Today, I read the reply:

Remember your ability to feel - The whole myth that you were ever this cold person - is just that, a myth. The question might not be how long it lasts but what exactly is it, that hurts? Your heart? Maybe it's trying to grow... You are traveling on a sphere. You have set a start point for your journey and you're now traveling across the horizon but you will not hit a wall nor will you fall from the edge of the flat earth. You will travel until you find the place where you began and know it for the first time. (TB)

And then, also today, a good friend emailed me with something so special, I just want to save it in my mental hard drive forever:

I read your blog yesterday. I hope it all works out! Being in love is a wonderful feeling. Intravenous bliss!!! (KTW)

I'm scared. I'm really scared. But I want to be blissfully happy... I have faith, and hope, and a lot of love to give. So far, so good... And again, if for whatever reason, it doesn't work out, at least I know I have great people around me.

Totally unrelated, completely hilarious.

*Currently listening to Wide Eyes by Local Natives (Sucker's Remix)*

We May Seem Fucked Up.

Somebody asked me yesterday why I stay with him after all the times he's done me wrong. My answer was quite pathetic, but true: Whenever I'm with him time stops and everything else disappears. I can't walk away from it.

We've been dysfunctional, him, with his lies and his fear and his poor decision making, I, with my inability to move away from situations I shouldn't put myself through. We may continue to be dysfunctional, but I must confess that the more we talk about it and the more we spend time together and the more we pick at each other's heads trying to understand things, the more I believe it could actually work.

I've never felt this way. It's blown me away, moved me from the place where I stood sturdy and planted, changed the way I see things, for good and for bad. It's change the way I view being in love. I had never been in love, I had cared deeply, I had loved, but I had never fallen.

I read something today, 'we should be standing in love, not falling in love; we should be made better, not completed'. I've fallen in love and now I want to stand and walk side by side with him... If it works, it works, if it doesn't, I hope to be strong enough to move on, at least I'll know I gave it a fair chance.

He smiles and I melt.

Who cares... Who cares what it may seem like, who cares that it may be difficult at times. We're going to do this. We're going to try to be as normal as possible, we're going to try to make it work.

As he says: It's him and I against the world now...

World: You better be ready for this.

Embrace the chaos and life may surprise you.
- Hot Tub Time Machine

No more lies, this isn't a marketing scheme

*Currently listening to One Life Stand by Hot Chip*

Who Cares About The Camping Story.

I sound like a broken record... He said this, he did this, I don't know what to do... Blah, blah, blah...

Yes, he lied to me. Yes, he took me for granted. Yes, he was incapable of committing in a clean, decisive way... But I allowed all of this to go on and on and on...

I was supposed to post about my camping trip today. It was without him. The whole time I was surrounded by nature, the ocean and fresh air, I thought of him... But there was much more to that trip than him... Now I can't remember what I was going to say...

I feel miserable. I wanted him, him, him, him, him.

Game over. End of transmission. There are no more lies to be said. I believed them all, it's now dry time.

*Currently listening to If We Try by Reset! (Kry Wolf's Space Disco Remix)*

I Lose. Got It.

When I saw the messages my heart sunk. It didn't sink, it drowned. I read them three times. The first time I thought I was reading wrong, that there was some mistake, something I was missing. I thought that perhaps I was misinterpreting something. That it wasn't like it seemed.

It was clear though. It was some sort of sign, right there for me to see. Transparent.

Everything was always a lie. Always. Everything.

He tricked me. He was so smooth with his lies, with his apologies, with his promises. Every time he said he loved me I believed it. Every time he touched me I thought he meant it. Every nice gesture now means nothing.

This has been going on for too long. I knew that at some point I'd have to say it'd been enough. I've had enough, I've looked away too many times, I've listened to too many lies. I tried. There's no way I could trust him again, there's no way to believe in anything any more. There's nothing else to do.

He loses me but it feels like I lost the battle. I'm sitting here empty and broken. I lose, cause I don't think he ever really wanted me. He didn't. I should have known.

I wish I could feel mad...

*Currently listening to Melt My Heart to Stone by Adele*

Random. Like It Should Be.

Old Love

There are different types of love. Like the love you feel for your Mother, the way you love your friends, the way you love your partner, the love or love-like sensation you feel for a lover… I used to feel thankful for the love that was given to me, I was aware that I didn’t love back the same way and felt fortunate to be cared for in that way. He never cared; he just wanted me near… I heard a song today that immediately reminded me of that… Distant memories.

My Liberty

I was speaking to a new friend about things that we usually do. We are the same age, yet his life is completely different from mine. He’s a family man and his weekends involve little league and cheer practice. My weekends involve sleeping in, parties and happy hour. His priorities are his wife and his children, my priorities are Amara and me. Amara doesn’t require much from me.

I love being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I love it. I think this is part of the reason why I doubt I will ever want to be a mother, it would involve loving someone else more than I love myself. I’m not even sure that I’m capable of that. .. Then again, I once thought I’d never be capable of being in love and I fell in love, so who knows.

Let the Music Move You

V.V. Brown. - My bestie said I’d be blown away. He was wondering why I wasn’t excited about seeing her at The Troubadour last night, when we were on our way to the show. I really wasn’t expecting much. She sounds okay on her album and her videos are pretty cool looking but I wasn’t sure she’d have stage presence. It was an electrifying, sweet surprise. Not only was she fantastic, with strong, resonating vocals and charming retro moves, but her band was enthralling and so involved. It wasn’t just a vocalist and her band; they looked like a family partying on stage, they were simply AMAZING!

Blown away? Completely! I want to see her live again. Hell yeah. Again and again!

Pay Attention

I'm convinced that certain things only happen to me. The other morning, I ran into a wall. I've also fallen multiple times in my life for no apparent reason, I bump into things all the time, and one time, I stood in front of an automatic door for a couple of minutes wondering why it wouldn't open when the store hours were right and there was people inside, when I was about to leave, I noticed the big red side above me that reads 'EXIT ONLY'.

Maybe I do need to pay more attention...

But one thing is for certain, all these things that happen to me make for good stories later.



*Currently listening to Che Che Cole by Hector Lavoe & Willie Colon*

I'm Waiting. And I'm In No Rush.

I found out that some poeple read my blog to find out what's going on in my life.

I write here not to keep the readers updated but mostly because I enjoy doing so. Sometimes, when I'm telling a story, the facts mix with my perception of how things happened and result in a fantasy-like account of my memory. Some days I'm feeling a certain way, but the next it could be completely different.

I wasn't joking when I say I think random. I do.

Lately, it has been hard for me to write because everything in my head has ceased to be chaotic and is now in some sort of stand by. I'm waiting to see what's going to happen. I'm waiting to see what I'll decide. My mind changes every day. My heart is not leading the way anymore. It feels cold, the way it used to, when the only thing in the world that mattered was myself.

There's not much to say. I'm waiting. I'm in no rush and I don't feel like I have to decide.There's nothing to say for now. I feel good. The coldness always suited me. I feel safe.

And in the end, the only thing to look forward to is whatever may come. Let it come! I'm waiting, but this time, I'm ready!



*Currently listening to I'll Be Your Man by The Black Keys*

Mom - And Dad.

Motherhood

I've never thought of being a mother. I've never really wanted children...

I lie! Once, I dated this handsome guy, well, I thought we were dating, and I considered it. I thought of baby names and cute little outfits and what type of education I'd want for them and whether he'd make a good father or not. It turned out to be, he and I weren't dating at all... And that thought of kids was also temporary. I've never really wanted to be a mother.

Everybody says that eventually one day I'll want it and I'll be an excellent mother. It scares me. It's a huge responsibility. It scares me to think that I'd be responsible for shaping somebody's life and providing for a little tiny being. It scares me to think that perhaps I'll make the wrong choices and mess that person's life. It scares me to think that I wont be able to provide a healthy, happy environment for this tiny little creature that is supposed to be my treasure. It scares me to think that I might be too selfish and be unhappy for not being able to do all the things I enjoy doing now... Perhaps it is that I'm just not ready. Perhaps I'll be. Perhaps being a mother just isn't for me.

On the other hand, I've been incredibly fortunate to have the mother that was assigned to me. She's been a role model, a best friend, a mentor. She nags and lectures and asks me to look within when I don't even know what I'm supposed to be looking for. She's always been there, sacrificing her needs for me whenever she had to, giving it all. I couldn't have someone better by my side.

Hopefully I've taken enough from her example to help me be a mother if the time ever comes for me to be one.


My Father

He wasn't always there when it mattered, at least not in sappy, sentimental ways. I can't recall everything exactly, but I do recall that one year, for Mother's day, he showed up and told us all to pack our bags cause we were going away. School? Who cares! Family trip, get in the car.

We went to Medellin for a week. Like a real family. Stopping at every town to taste their local cuisine and blasting all of our favorite songs, all genres, on the stereo. He held my mothers hand and told her that he loved her so many times... It was times like that, when I'm sure we all thought the happiness would last forever.

I miss him, even when it wasn't as happy.



*Currently listening to Stars by The XX*

Do You Miss Him?

Earlier this evening, while having a late, unhealthy dinner with one of my best friends, he asked if I missed my ex. I didn't have to think about it too much. I do. I miss him.

For starters, everything was so easy. It was easy to talk to him, it was easy to do things with him, it came naturally. It was effortless. I didn't have to tip-toe around asking him things or making plans or doing nothing at all. We simply were. We could spend days and days together and it felt like we were doing what we were supposed to be doing, comfortable, like breathing.

For the most part, everything was simple, easy, enjoyable. We'd make plans on the spot or in advance, movies, trips, going out for drinks with friends, concerts... The summers were all about the beach and figuring out how to stay cool in my tiny little one-bedroom apartment with the AC unit that was a million years old. The winters were all about how to stay warm in my little apartment that had no insulation... We'd rent movies, read books, dance, go to the laundromat together, went to the movies, party, sex, sex, sex and a whole lot of sex.

We complimented each other. He was patient and would go along with my crazy plans and kept me collected when my scattered head was spinning out of control. I kept him entertained, loved and reassured. Beyond all that, in each other, we found that we always had someone for unconditional support, through the toughest of times and someone to laugh with hysterically later on, when things were good again.

My friend asked if I would go back to my ex. I wouldn't. I know it. Not again.

Yes, everything was good, for the most part. We loved each other tenderly. He'd been the closest I'd ever been to being in love. But things slowly started to change and his jealousy grew stronger with every new person I met. He was jealous of the time that I spent with anyone who wasn't him, he questioned me, he wanted me always by his side, he wanted me to be something I was not. I'd changed, he didn't. It stopped working out.

I do miss him. I wish we could be friends. Sometimes, I even wish I could love him like he loves me. And above it all, I miss the fact that I had someone who was truly crazy about me. He loved every bit of me, it was me, me, me. That felt so nice.

This must be a good example of how people are never truly satisfied.... On one hand, the ex was too much and on the other, now I'm getting so little... I keep thinking that soon, at any point, I'll find the balance, the middle ground, and figure it all out.



*Currently listening to La Boquilla by Bomba Estereo*

Not Again. Move it.

It's a little different today. Actually, a lot different. When is the roller coaster going to end? I'm starting to feel short of breath and anxious. I'm worried about being washed down by sadness again. I was doing so well. It's like the high is wearing off and the low is awaiting for me.

Today is supposed to be good. It's supposed to be a day for closure and definition to something that was so gray. But I find that I'm working hard on holding myself together and not let the happiness I felt yesterday escape me. It felt so good.

There's no crying is baseball. Be strong dammit. Keep yourself together.

Happy thoughts, happy, go to your happy place... Let the music blast and everything else fade.

Careful, not again...

*Currently listening to On My Shoulders by The Do*

Hello Darling. It's You Again.

Written today -

The posted speed limit is 55 but the speedometer reads 80, we're living dangerously, VV Brown is singing about a shark in the water. It's a sunny day, beautiful, enjoyable weather. It's California, the perfection is absolute.

We're driving to Los Olivos, a town north of Santa Barbara, next to Solvang. We're meeting friends and family for lunch. I'm in good company, I feel happy. I hadn't felt happy in a long time. It's exhilarating.

I feel like me again, like I can breathe, like I can take in all the beauty that surrounds me. I can hear the music. I can hear people's stories and enjoy every sentence, I can pause and feel. I'm not as broken as I thought I was. He fractured me, he didn't break me. All that pain has somewhat washed away. I can see myself. It's me again. I was scared I'd never feel like this again. I was fearful, I was losing myself. Today, I laughed and I meant it, I smiled and I could feel every muscle in my face work its way without effort. The wind was refreshing, conversation flowed easily. I'm not half-dead. I'm alive.

Am I fearful? Still? Yes. A little. But at least I know that I'm capable of being alright. I thought I'd never be alright again. I will. No matter what happens, happiness is a possibility. I'm alive.

A good flavor of crazy

*Currently listening to Everchanging by Rise Against*

You're Sorry. And There's A Stop Sign.

The problem wasn't just what he would do that would make me feel sad but also the many things he did to make me believe I was acting crazy. I started to feel like I was turning into this monster and I would kick myself in the head, repeatedly, because according to what I was supposed to believe, he loved me and he cared for me and he would never do anything to hurt me, so everything was in my head and how could I doubt such a caring person?

Well it turned out to be that I was right all along. He did lie to me, he did deliberately do all those things that would knowingly hurt my feelings. Being hit with knowing all this was painful. But mostly, I felt relieved. I wasn't going crazy, I wasn't turning into a monster, there was a reason I felt that way, all along, he'd lie to me and I was right.

What's left of months of waiting and patience and love is a bunch of apologies and many promises. I would love to be able to move pass everything and forgive, but as the days pass by and everything settles, and the chaos morphs into the calm normality I know and love, it has become more and more clear to me that I may not be ready to forgive all that crap, so much crap.

Do I want to believe that he can be there for me? Of course. I want to believe him and run with it. I just don't know that I can. At least not yet. And now, it is all in his hands... He can make it work or not. It's his turn to be patient. It's his turn to wait and see what will come out of this, to see if I am capable. I am making no promises. I had made them already, a while ago, and he stepped all over them.

Last night and today, I felt like I could breathe again. I feel peace. I feel okay. I know that I did what I could and I loved him as much as it was possible. The way I see him has changed, he changed it and it pains me. But that doesn't mean it can't be good someday, and that doesn't mean we should try at all either... At this point, I don't know what anything means. But this time, at least I'm no longer hoping or waiting... It's on him and mostly, it's my choice.

*Currently listening to Dance, Dance, Dance by DJ RayChill*